A Word of Advice... on understanding the opposite sex

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, September 29, 2005

I'm just wondering how to understand the opposite sex. For example there is this person who showed some interest in me. At the time I was newly single and not sure about this. However, I decided maybe it could go somewhere and so have decided to try and reapproach this person by saying a few hellos.

Due to not really knowing the person I have not wanted to approach too much and at times have walked past if talking to someone else while still saying hello. However the last time I said hello and tapped on their shoulder they completely ignored me. I don't know if they've got mixed signals or if they're just being rude.

--Confused?

Thanks for leaving absolutely no pronoun references in your E-mail - makes my life easy! But I'll deal - the advice is practically the same from all angles on a question like this.

I doubt being rude is at play here, assuming that you were certain that you knew they were interested earlier. Mixed signals is possible if the interest surety is more vague; they might've been flirty just for the hell of it and have now moved on to someone else to be their flirt partners in crime.

But, you're taking a fair tack on this. You've been testing the waters, seeing if they're interested or not, and seeing how things go so far.

So, your question leads me to the answer to that. How's it going? So-so. Therefore, consider how the responses have been, and decide whether you'd like to keep pursuing or not. If you want to give it a little more time, go for it; you've got nothing to lose and quite a lot to gain. But if the games aren't worth it for you (as you'll see through my next question), maybe it's best to either approach more directly, or pick someone else to pursue for awhile.

And if you're really into playing games, I'm sure you know by now that playing hard to get can sometimes be fruitful as well.

--Pick me! Pick me!

When I'm at the club, the way I make myself noticed is by doing the robot. You could try that.

But really the heart of your question comes down to a "how to I get him do to what I want" instead of a "how do I find out if he shares my interest" situation. Column A is much worse than Column B for a number of reasons.

Column A means you play little games, hoping he'll catch on, be interested, and say "Hey - want to go to that monster truck rally Saturday night?" Column B, on the other hand, is more straightforward and gets the job done in a quick and dirty way. Column A won't get you easy resolution; Column B will.

This, of course, means you actually have to tell him. You say you don't know how to tell him, but what you've tried (you call it "everything") does not include the one that's most direct, and somewhat difficult, but better in the long run: ask him.

I have no problem with games if you want to flirt, have a good time. For some people, the game is part of the fun. But you seem to not really want that; you just want to know. So in your case, I'd shake off the nerves (see below), walk up to him, chat one-on-one, and ask if he'd like to see the 10th anniversary of Mrs. Doubtfire on THX.

--Shaky situation

It's a simple question, with a simple answer.

The big problem with most people when it comes to nerves is that they build something up to be a big event. But what you have to remember is you're approaching people - people who you may be interested in, but they're people nonetheless. The trick is to just work at it like you're talking to a new friend.

Some put more pressure on themselves than they need to, and are too hard on themselves. There's shyness for many, of course, but what you want to do is take the pressure off. Approach it from a "nothing ventured, nothing gained" scenario. If you are interested in them, try just somehow getting to know the person first.

So just chat. If nothing develops romantically, maybe you'll still end up with a friendship. Keep things casual, have a good time, and if things develop it'll be like an added bonus, without all the worrying over whether he finds you cute or not.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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