A Word of Advice... on guys

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, November 10, 2003

I have been dating my boyfriend for over two years now. I have been in previous serious relationships before, but he had never kissed anyone before me. He has never been in any other relationship.

Well, last year, as senior year was almost over, I decided to talk to him about what should happen if he needed to see what it is like to date. I have feelings for him that I have never had for anyone else, and I can not picture my life without him. I told him if he ever wanted to see what other girls are like, then he could, and I would wait for him, as long as he told me anytime he thought it might happen or when it did.

Recently, he started wanting to do things with other girls, physically. So I said okay. He started talking to some girls that he knew from high school, whom are friends with one another. One of them he really sincerely LIKES, and I fear losing him to her all the time. The other girl, he was just after 'a good time'.

Well, one day he was talking to the girl that he truly likes and she all of a sudden asks him if he kissed the other girl. I was there when this happened, and he said no and changed the subject. I never susupected anything and then I got to thinking about it. Later I asked him to swear that he hadn't kissed that girl - and he told me that he had. In JUNE. And he hadnt told me. So I was upset.

And then he started talking about how he was afraid that being in a relationship with me might make him miss 'the one', and that he is only 18 (so am I), and stuff like that. I never saw this coming. He also said that he only wanted girls physically, not a relationship. I am totally understanding about him wanting to experience, but I don't understand why he would say the things about finding 'the one' and not mean it. What do you think? Can you help me out here? I don't really know what to do, and I don't want to lose him.

--Trying to save "the one"?

My biggest issue with this question relates to the fact that he only wants girls physically, not in a relationship, and he doesn't want you in the way of finding "the one." In other words, he doesn't think you're the one. So why hold on to him? Sure, there's the "you're only 18" argument and finding the one is not important at this age, but he apparently has a different goal than you do, and now that his sexual release has been triggered, he's going off like a dog in heat humping any leg that gives him the opportunity.

The fact of the matter is, he doesn't seem committed - in that sense, you've already lost him. So the question is whether you're just willing to be one of the girls he sees physically or not. I don't think it's worth it. You can do better, especially with college being a great place to meet new people.

--Friend or unknown?

I can understand not wanting to hurt him, and it seems like so far you've done the best you can in terms of being nice to him while keeping your own interests in mind. However, I wouldn't let his being hurt affect seeing how things work out with the guy you like.

It's true that people don't always have a love at first sight attraction; it's also true that people who don't have been nagged to the point of hating people in the past because the person who was interested couldn't drop it for awhile. I'd simply tell him that while you appreciate the gestures and attention, you're not into him as more than a friend right now. Tell him that just keeping things friendly is the best right now, because who knows? But at this time, you'd prefer to keep things friendly.

If he continues, note to him that his constant asking isn't going to convince you to change your mind, and if you gave in, it wouldn't be a healthy relationship, so let things take their natural course. And remember, his crush may ebb at some point too.

Just be careful not to give him a lot of hope just for the sake of being nice. Otherwise, the nagging will continue, and you'll have to keep writing to anonymous people on the internet like myself. I like the attention and all, but I'm sure your writing me means life it's 100% hunky dory - so just keep at it and things will work out.

--Calling for assistance

Either he's losing interest in you, or he got what he wanted after a two year persistent courtship.

Well, the latter seems *really* far-fetched, but who knows?

It doesn't sound like you've lost him, but it's quite possible he's found someone closer to home and he's sorta lingering on you. But the question is: is it really worth the pain he's putting you through? (This is turning into quite the female empowerment column. It's a good idea in relationships, so why not?)

I don't think it's time to leave just yet, but it is time for a good ol' fashioned heart-to-heart chat. Ask him what's up? Maybe something's going on in his life that's bothering him. Hopefully, it's a temporary thing, and it'll pass. After all, the relationship has been going on for two years - maybe things are really busy in his life, and he's simply counting on you to understand he's not going to be able to talk as often at the moment. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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