A Word of Advice... on parents

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, January 8, 2004

Today's discussions came from the forums.

I'm 18 years old and my dad lives with his girlfriend. I have no problem with her... except that her oldest son is like the finest and sweetest guy I've ever met and he's only 6 months older than me. They met 5 years ago so I lived with with him and his family for 2 or 3 years. During that period of time he and I got closer and closer until we both got old enough to move out and we moved in with each other.
Now we are madly in love and we need help about what to do with our parents. BTW: we are engaged to be married next summer!

--Second generation lovers

Wow.

Well, since you guys aren't blood relatives, and your father is only living with his girlfriend, you're not treading any law issues here. But there's that awkward, "we're dating each other and our kids are dating each other" issue that you have to deal with as well.

But: you're 18 and engaged to be married next summer? How long have you been dating? While getting married young is becoming common, there is an issue of getting married TOO young. Are you in college? If you were to get pregnant, would you be able to take care of this child? There's a lot of question marks coming up over this for me. Prolly some clarification could help a bit.

Honestly, I think the 'rents would be more upset over a marriage before the age of 20 than the fact that you two are together, although the combination could create some real friction. You WILL have to tell them though - you can't just keep it a secret forever, and the fact that you're engaged... you might have even waited too long.

I am in my early 20's and still live with my parents while in school. We come from a culture where "obeying" your parents is an unwritten rule, no matter what is it they say. I have been raised in the US since I was a baby so I consider myself as American as anyone.
I have been in a relationship for 3 1/2 years with an intelligent, educated, American, black man. He is absolutely incredible and would do anything for me. My parents are having an aneurysm over us wanting to get married (in a couple of years) and threatened to kick me out of the house and have nothing to do with me once I graduate college in May if I chose to stay with him. There's no way I'm leaving him. I adore him and can't imagine my life without him.
Does anyone have any advice or words of encouragement? I could really use it. This stress is just too much for me to deal with. Thanks.

--My heart's in the right place

Your parents are exercising a control they feel they still have over you - you're under their roof and so forth. Eventually, there's that break that occurs. For most, it's when they move into the dorms. For those who commute or otherwise live at home during college, it's later.

But there's always that risk that the parents will try to exercise the same rights they had when you were 16 and putting a curfew on dates or outings with friends.

The best way to resolve this is to break things off after college is over. That's probably for the best anyway - I'm sure you'd like to get out and live your own life. You'll have a job, friends, etc. and won't need to be worrying about the parent aspect except phone calls, occasional visits and the dysfunctional family holiday season.

There is this girl in one of my college classes that I'm pretty sure is interested in me and I have been wanting to ask her out. Well, today I think I embarrassed myself. I was at the local pizza place getting lunch when I saw her sitting at a booth. My first problem was that there was a guy sitting with her and I thought she was on a date, but before long a bunch of her friends came in. Anyway the main thing that went wrong was that I was with my parents! If that wasn't bad enough they decided to sit in the next booth. I know that she still lives with her parents as well. Is there a chance this wan't as bad as I thought or did I come accross as pathetic?

--Am I a sorry case?

This question came in the day after Thanksgiving. It's not unusual to be spending time with family during a long weekend, especially during a holiday. I don't think it's nearly as bad as you thought. In fact, it's somewhat... *shudder*... normal! :)

By the time college hits, family becomes more important because the visits are shorter, less frequent, and there's distance. That parent you hated six months ago for not allowing you to stay out past 2 a.m. is now the one who's there with advice and financial assistance when necessary. Most college students become closer to their parents after they arrive at their university of choice, so I don't think it's that surprising. In fact, you'd be amazed how many people see family closeness as a positive trait. You've got nothing to worry about.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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