A Word of Advice... on parents

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, July 5, 2004

How do you deal with the guilt of telling your parents things you partake in that you know is wrong, but the guilt overpowers you until you explode and release everything?

--Jiminy Cricket complex

I guess to at least some degree your parents succeeded - you feel guilty about your actions, even if it didn't stop you from doing them.

Telling your parents what you've been doing probably has more to do with age than anything else. If you're under 18, your going to them will likely incite some sort of response which will attempt to curtail it, temprered with some relief that you at least felt like you could go to them with it. If you're older than 18, the emphasis shifts to their being there to help you move on or get out of the rut.

That means age is a crucial factor in my advice, and unfortunately that wasn't in your letter.

So, instead, something general that may still help: if you're feeling guilty about actions you're taking, it's not just the parental part - there's a part of you that doesn't really feel comfortable in that skin, once hindsight is factored in. So the question isn't just how to deal with the 'rents, but how to deal with it yourself.

Your parents obviously raised you to believe that what you did (and this is the big ol' "we don't know what it is" part of it too) was wrong, so if you are feeling guilty you should also consider why you did it, what drove you to that, and how you might best avoid it again. Because after all, you're putting yourself through the ringer too, and is that really worth it?

As for telling them, if you really don't want to tell them, don't, but figure out what's driving you to want to tell them (probably goes hand in hand with why you feel guilty to begin with) and then consider this: if you're feeling guilty, use it as a life lesson and don't go back down that road. If you do, even without telling your parents you'll be able to take solace in the knowledge that you followed their example and you learned from your mistakes.

--Where does it end?

You won't like this answer, but you hit it on the head earlier.

Part of the parental coping of dealing with the fact that their "baby" is moving on is that last-ditch effort to make sure they've instilled every last good quality they can. For some parents, like yours, that's the continual nagging that should have ceased the moment college life took over and you began to become your own person once and for all. For some parents, it's accidental or unintentional. For others, it's done on purpose. My dad did it to "test" me. He only proceeded to tick me off, but after he finally moved beyond that this summer's been actually quite good.

And that's the next stage. Eventually that will stop - it'll probably happen just as everyone, you and your parents both, hit the point where you realize your life's next stage is approaching fast, and the chances to spend time together are becoming quite minimal. For me, it's one more year of school - you might be similar to me or have just a little more time, but once that point is hit, it becomes a time grab for whatever final moments you can share before seeing each other is limited to long weekends and holidays.

Stick with it though - just like adolescence, parental suffocation is just a phase (usually). They'll get over it in time. If they don't, post-college life makes it easy to control the alloted time with family. Just remember one unfortunate detail: since you're staying in their house for the summer, the more controlling parents will use that to their advantage - hopefully you're not in that situation.

--Missing him

I'm sort of surprised. Despite the fact that relatives know the touchiness of the issue, many times relatives will gossip about it anyway. Pregnant with someone else's baby? Jobless? Failed out of college? These issues and more have been gossiped about either my family or close friends' families in the past 2 years.

Race is probably more touchy than the previous examples, but I'm still surprised your parents didn't find out through the grapevine. But basically, you can keep lying, which will ultimately hurt your relationship (a significant other will only take so much of your not being able to deal with the reality of the relationship you're in). Or you can tell them, and deal with the consequences of that.

Loans or no loans, you should probably tell them sooner rather than later. The longer the relationship goes, and the more relatives that know, the chance of it getting to them via gossip or even accidentally increases.

If they might have a problem with it from you telling them directly, they *will* have some sort of problem with you intentionally keeping it from them. Think about it: you're making it seem like it's a bad thing that you're doing by sneaking behind their backs, a la the first letter writer in today's column. Or maybe they ultimately don't have a problem with that, but *do* have a problem with the fact that you felt you couldn't come to them with something. See where this is going? The chance for problems increases the longer you stall.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

 E-mail this page
 Printer-friendly page