A Word of Advice... on parents

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, October 15, 2007

I’m home from college this summer and have a job. My parents still treat me as if I’m 10 years old, making sure I’m up at a certain time and out the door at a certain time, and don't think I’m capable of doing or accomplishing anything on my own.

I am very close with my parents and my family, and this situation has definitely begun to start to build a barrier between us. My mom is also menopausal right now, so the sudden ridiculous outbursts and tears I can understand. I can even understand that they want me to succeed and to take my responsibilities seriously, which I always have, and they've always commended me for, yet they have been ridiculous about my every move lately.

I am 20 years old, and am very capable of getting to work and doing my work on my own, yet it’s like my parents want me to bring home a progress report everyday. They watch over me more now then they ever did while I was in high school.

I know that "letting go of your little girl" and "accepting that your baby is growing up" is difficult, but this is making me not even want to live with them anymore. I love my parents to death, and enjoy being home with them over the summer, because we only have so much time left before I do move out, but this misunderstanding of where the line should be drawn on their parenting is driving me insane.

--Parental influence

First of all, I’m sorry. It’s never fun when you have parents who go that route.

Now, let me suggest something quite simple: have them read this column, and read what your feelings are.

I haven’t seen any reference to your talking to them on this subject. The closeness of the family, as you describe it, and the controlling nature that they’re taking towards you, make me think that you’ve sort of avoided having any sort of confrontation with them. Parents get controlling for two reasons that I can think of: the teen is too rebellious, or because they can. (If you’ve got others, write me and we’ll find a way to filter this in to the advice I’m about to give. I’m sure there’s others.) This is a “because they can” scenario: you all are close, but they want to make sure every detail’s perfect. Over time, they start to get worse: that more controlling than high school aspect you mentioned. This can happen because you don’t speak up, or speak up too much.

But at 20, you definitely need to tell them that it’s time to let some of it go – eventually, you’re going to have to sink or swim on your own merits. But before you hit that point, they have to take the little rubber floaties off and let you start practicing. You could be Stewie Griffin in the Family Guy movie, or you could be the next upcoming Olympic swimmer. But none of you will find out while this nonsense continues.

Pick an appropriate way to broach the subject with your parents (seeing as there’s a close relationship, an honest, calm, non-finger-pointy way would be best) and tell them politely what you need right now: space to blossom. If all else fails, post a calendar and start counting down the days, as there aren’t many left.

--Race relations

If your close family is truly going to be cool with it, and they’re the ones co-signing loans, I doubt they’ll yank support because of the ignorance of extended family. However, the Darwinian survival instinct in me wonders if it’s the right time to tell them. Waiting might be more acceptable. The only danger here is while protection is being used, it isn’t a catch-all (pardon the EXTREMELY bad pun). Condoms break, birth control fails, and babies can happen.

If you’ve actually told them that you’re not dating an African American, you have to stop that. But a sin of omission might be easier to swallow. Not bringing up race in a conversation can be quite easy, and maybe that’s the better road to take, at least until college is over. I don’t have any problems believing you should protect yourself before people who are living in a day gone by.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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