A Word of Advice... on dirty secrets

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, February 10, 2003

Here's a sticky situation: My friend has been hooking up with Guy A for 10 months. Two months ago, she met Guy B and proceeded to get with both of them. Guy C comes along recently, and she decides that she would like to actually date him. She tells Guy B but not Guy A. Guy A finds out by tricking me, and Guy B finds out that I've known all along. Ultimately, Guys A and B are angry that I knew and didn't tell them, but I feel I did the right thing by not getting involved. What do you think?

--Stuck in the middle

Groaner alert: This should not be a conversation you need to have with A and B, so tell them C you later.

You did the right thing by not getting involved. Some people are going to make mistakes, whether intentionally or not, but you should not be trying to save the world from falsehoods and hidden secrets - you're not here for that. While A and B may be angry that this girl cheated on them, it's not your responsibility to tell them what your friend is doing. If you told them, your friend would get angry at you and you'd still have someone flailing their arms in disgust like Richard Simmons. Sadly, she weaved a tangled web, and you're the fly that got caught in the trap.

Keep in mind that these two guys are extremely mad that this girl was not forthcoming that she was interested in another guy, whether for booty or for dating. They're extremely mad at her, and that's rubbing off on their attitude with you as a result. It will blow over, but don't stand by your friend or the guys - remain neutral and just do your best to stay out of it.

--Wearing a 'Keep Out' sign

You have the right idea in wanting to hit the escape button during all of this… not getting involved, as you saw from the letter above, is not as easy as just not saying anything. If you know, you're at risk.

The biggest factor is to just avoid talking about the relationship if you can. If they want to talk to you about the relationship, keep details to a minimum so you can hopefully stay out of the situation. Don't lie, but don't readily offer information, saying it's not your business to be passing information back and forth if one of them asks point blank about the other, for whatever reason. Keeping a purely third-party stance should be the most beneficial option for you.

If word gets out that you knew, make sure your friend knows that it's not your place to meddle in other people's business. You can't be held responsible for another's actions, and furthermore you can't be the moral police for everyone else. You're being put in a situation of either telling your friend and creating a horrible living situation that you may or may not be able to get out of, or having your friend mad at you and having to go through those motions. Either way, it's a messy situation, so make sure your friend knows that if something comes up. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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