A Word of Advice... on being normal

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, May 10, 2004

So... eehm... I'm transsexual. So... eehm... what do I do? How do I tell my friends about this? Won't they shun me.. or call me names? I'm pretty darn scared here. But I wish to go through with this... wish to have surgery one day... hope that day comes soon...

--Taking the next step

You've determined that you're uncomfortable about who you are, in the skin you're in. Your solution seems obvious, but there's that pesky "what will other people think" problem. And that's probably not the right question to ask.

If you think you'd be happier, more comfortable, etc. by dressing differently, having an operation, etc. you should go ahead and do it.

Of course there'll be people who will not agree with your decision - the world would be bland without disagreement. Just as some people don't think that gay people should marry, others don't agree with the concept of someone dressing up to look like a member of the opposite sex. They can't control your actions, but they can air their opinion.

You'll have to deal with that, but the fact is, your true friends will know you for who you are and clothing won't matter. There is that percentage that can't get beyond the superficial - but the old judging a book by its cover thing rings fairly true - but those who can actually see the person inside, both past and present, won't care if you're wearing jeans, a dress or a tux.

So if you want to go through with this, feel free. Just make sure you're sure you can stick with the decision - you need to take the step and rip the Band-Aid off, to ensure the easiest transition possible.

One last thing: I've read of a number of different peoples' stories about getting surgery and the like, and friends, co-workers and so on were on the whole very supportive. So sometimes the biggest hurdle is just the fear of "What if?" since the reality of the situation generally plays out much more favorably.

--Kiss and tell

You're definitely not a prude.

People move at their own pace. For some, having kissed by age 12 is a nonchalant, "been there, done that" scenario. One friend of mine occasionally waxes poetic over a kiss she had at a playground at age 8. Other people don't even kiss until high school. And then everything else that goes on... well, same concept: everyone moves at their own pace.

What this means is that some people will do things sooner than others. While your friends may have done other things than you have, that doesn't make you a prude anymore than your friends' actions make them impure... or a slut, as this column is fond of using.

Peer pressure definitely tries to even this playing field though. Those who have already done things will brag about it, tease those who don't ("prude" would fall into that category), in an effort to make themselves feel better. But underlying that is the insecurity of "did I do something I shouldn't have?" and using peer pressure to correct their mistakes just creates a larger group of people who may have acted for the wrong reason.

Simply put, if you're not ready to move beyond kissing, don't. Move forward when you're ready, and don't worry about what others are doing.

--It's not working for me

With the semester almost over, I don't know how much this can help you out, but I'll do what I can, since there's three more years ahead:

If you haven't been in counseling, that's probably your first step. Counseling for some seems like you're giving up, but the question remains: if counseling can help you identify problems and move past them, isn't it worth the attempt?

As for your other points:

• Grades can improve over time - most people are forced to take core requirements their first year, instead of the courses that interest them most (their major and minor), so some people get off to a rough start.
• Working out is a long-term effort, but if it's not working, consider changing up your work-out; sometimes you're just not working the right areas (Men's Health is a good magazine to check out).
• One girl does not determine your overall chances with people; rejection is common, so take your licks (no pun intended) and move on from that. And don't try to kiss a girl too early - some don't respond kindly to that.
• No close friends can be overcome; in fact, it gets easier with time, as people break out of the pack mentality and become more singular people again. Instead of joining in on other peoples' activities, invite people to something of your own planning - just make sure to give them enough time to plan it in. If they want to hang with you more, they'll return the favor.
• Counseling is a good start for aforementioned depression issue. Most colleges have some sort of counseling center that can give you free counseling too; use the resources that are available to you.

File this under "for what it's worth": I had similar feelings in many areas as to where you are, only in high school. Part of the reason I had for starting this was to try to help people in similar situations. As people change, and learn who they really are, they morph. People who didn't really give me much time or thought in high school are now extraordinarily kind and friendly today. People who I previously couldn't get along with are now people I chat with regularly. My initial loneliness in college evolved to a great network of friends I'd never trade. Situations, like people, evolve with time. While things might not seem optimal now, the situation will change - time will benefit you as much as any action you might take yourself.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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