A Word of Advice... on marriage

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, October 7, 2002

A lot of people seem to be getting engaged around here. Isn't college too young to get engaged? I've always been under the belief that getting married early leaves you more open for divorce.

--Vow to stay single (for now)

So you're wondering whether students currently walking down the classroom aisle are ready to prepare for walking around another kind of aisle.

First, don't be wed to what you hear in the media. (Well, I've at least done some research, but take mine as you will.) In February the U.S. Census Bureau released a comprehensive study on marriages, divorces, etc. and the numbers don't seem quite as bad as many people believe them to be.

For instance, the claim that half of all marriages will end in divorce currently doesn't hold true. The highest divorce rates, found in people who are currently between 50 and 60 years of age, is 35.7 percent. And at least half of those divorced are remarried. The total statistic of people who have been divorced is more around 20 percent (the statistic goes up with people who have divorced more than once, but that artificially decreases the chances for success overall). So, it's pretty good odds.

People are also getting married older in general. The average age of marriage of people as of around five years ago is about 27 years of age.

Now, to directly answer your question, it's never too young as long as the happiness criteria are met: 1. They are in love; 2. They've given enough time to determine that it's not just a honeymoon relationship that will crumble once the initial emotions have faded; and 3. They are able to support each other in case something happens to one or the other financially and emotionally.

Marriages that can't meet these three criteria are going to be a struggle. Without love, the relationship can't work. If they rush into it, emotions can and will change; there will be periods of time where you don't feel like you're in love with them, but a strong marriage will overcome those rough times. The third ensures that financial stability is there for you and your family, and although not necessarily the most important, many marriages crumble over irreconcilable financial differences (now THAT is a true statistic, according to the research I mulled through).

In other words, if you've planned it out, you're ready for the commitment, and you can support each other, than you're ready. Age doesn't play as much of a role as maturity and the ability to deal with circumstances. Some people reach that earlier than others, so if you feel you're not at that stage, or haven't met someone which you can share that stage with, it's not a problem - you can wait until you are ready for that. Not as funny as usual, but at least the truth has set me free.

--Trying to avoid a mistake helping my friend avoid a mistake

Man, with a name that long, I'm surprised you have time to write me.

Love can cover up many things in peoples' heads - it's like a game of peek-a-boo. It'll only come out to them when they're looking for it. People will do a lot of things when they're in love, and blocking mentally things they don't want to see at the time. As a friend, you can yell out objection in the courtroom, but the judge will quickly become impatient with you when you start to criticize them for a decision that makes them happy.

Ultimately, if you truly feel it's not the right thing, present it to her, but ensure that she knows that you want the best for her, and if she's thought it through - truly thought it through, you'll support her decision. And if it doesn't work out in the end, support her the best you can - it's not the time for "I told you so." Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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