A Word of Advice... at random

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, October 13, 2003

Well, there had to be a week at some point where I just couldn't get together three questions based on the ones I've received to make a nice, complete package. Amazingly, it took over a year. But it finally happened. The truth is, I do have enough at the moment, but I just like these questions a lot right now. So indulge me just this once, as Red Sox and Yankee fever get the best of me, to do a random gathering. This won't be a regular thing - it'll be occasional at best. But it breaks up the monotony.

I have a friend that is handed everything to him by his parents. I work my butt off to get where I am trying to go and he follows behind with his handouts. I find that he is immature on many levels and doesn't take life too seriously.
I am finding that it infuriates me to watch him throw so much away because of mismanagement of funds and foolishness. I also feel that I don't respect him as a person anymore and I have trouble talking to him without sounding sarcastic and resentful.
So here's my question. How do I deal with this guy? He was my best friend, but I am not sure now. How can I find a common ground again with him? What should I do? I am sick of watching him screw up and biting my tongue while he does it, or worse coming across as judging him all the time.

--Friend with serious benefits

Get rich and join in.

If you simply can't find enough common ground with him, why force yourself? You yourself say that you can't handle it; that he just keeps doing things that are immature, irresponsible, etc. If you can't deal with him, why try to change him (impossible) or yourself (unnecessary)?

So many people live in this earth - why should we force ourselves or one another to settle for a certain friend, lover or otherwise just because that's what's around at the moment? Go out, meet new people with similar interests, and move on from this person who causes you such grief. To do otherwise is just a lot of time and energy exerted in an unnecessary are.

My boyfriend kissed another girl and I don't know what to do. I asked him about it and he denied it. So, I talked to the girl and she confirmed it. I know he kissed the girl because I checked his e-mail and he had written her an e-card expressing his thoughts about the kiss. So he told on himself. What should I do?

--Kiss and (eventually) tell

Tsk tsk. Do the ends really justify the means here? You were snooping on your boyfriend, you found out he kissed another girl, and you are mad. Hopping mad.

You want me to help you out? Let's first start by stating that thanks to your investigative methods, you're as at fault as he did. Sure, he lied, but you invaded personal space to discover this. Why were you there to begin with? Have you had problems trusting him in the past? And if you can't trust him, why are you still with him?

Yes, a kiss can be deplorable, but then again, I know of a LOT of people who have kissed others while in a relationship (I can be counted in that - I wasn't in perfect clear state of mind, but I did it) and was able to move past it. The point is that the kiss isn't a HUGE deal, but the snooping is. You don't trust him, and he did something with someone else that you're not happy about.

Ditch him; you probably can't save this if you're lathered up this much to investigate a freakin' kiss.

There is this girl on met on a college trip. When we met we both felt like we were friends forever, we both get along and love each other's company. But she has a "girlfriend," who she does "things" with. I know for a fact that she is bi and I haven't been able to make any "moves" yet because I like so much that I don't want to lose her. I don't know what her situation is with her "friend." I know that they do things sexually, but they are constantly bickering. The girl I like is a recovering alcoholic and her "friend" is a lush and she tries to tell her to go easy on drinks, but she doesn't. The people in AA tell her that she should consider leaving her, but I don't want to sound like it is me forcing the girl to leave.
Her "girlfriend" is very jealous of me but likes me because she knows what a good guy I am and how I look out for and treat the girl like gold. When we are together we both can feel the tension between us.
What the hell do I do? What do I say to express myself to her without pushing her away, and should I encourage her to breakup with her "friend"?

--"Friend"ly ties

What's with the quotes around friend? It's like you're trying to make her out as something less than a girlfriend. The girl's bi - if she's hanging out with another girl and having a physical and emotional relationship, no quotes are necessary.

As for your dilemma, while I admire your aim to keep the peace here, it's also not a good thing to just not be honest. Sit your friend down, let her know what you're feeling, while taking careful precaution to mention that you understand she's in that relationship right now, and if she's not interested right now, you're OK with that. That goes for if she's not interested at all. That's really the best way to handle it, and you can hold on to the friendship even if the relationship doesn't come out of it. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

Got a question? Just ask. You could see your question published in a future column with an answer from Josh!

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