A Word of Advice... on mending fences

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, November 3, 2003

No, this isn't a very special episode of "This Old House." Rather, this is about breakdowns, both friendship and relationship wise, and whether they're worth fixing.

My boyfriend who I have lived with for three years had constantly told me, our friends, and our families that he couldn't wait to get married to me. We planned on moving in December to Colorado and he got a job out there a few months ago so he left early to start his job. Meanwhile he was going to live with his parents for two months until I got there and then we were going to buy a place together and get married.
Last week he calls me on his 27th birthday and tells me that he has problems and he's going to go see a therapist. He said he thought that our relationship was going down the same path as his parents. His parents are unhappily married and refuse to divorce. He thinks that couples should not fight over stupid things such as "why go to the strip club when you have a girlfriend." He thinks that issues such as that should not be argued about and that we should "agree to disagree".
He then went on to tell me tht he was intimidated by my success since I'm 24 with a Masters degree and he only has a high school diploma. He said he felt as if he was just "following me around". So...he went and saw the therapist....called me...and then broke up with me!
A few weeks later he calls and says "I still want you to move out to Colorado, and I still want to be around you...I guess I wanna have my cake and eat it too." He tells me that he doesn't know what the future will bring and that we "may get back together." But then insists he's not making any promises because hes working on himself and his issues in therapy.
What are the chances of us getting back together after all this? Is it that easy for someone to break up with someone after living with them for three years, after they have told the other person and everyone else that he couldn't wait to marry me?

--Relationship woes hit hard

Have his cake and eat it too... that sounds so dirty. Heh heh.

Sorry. But, actually, that's really what we're talking about here. He blames his parents, his therapy, the fights on the relationship not working. There are fundamental differences between you two here, and it seems like he's not willing to help bridge the gap between you two. Yet he is willing to have you out there to have his cake and eat it too. Sounds like guaranteed nookie, not a guaranteed relationship.

You two have differences over strip clubs. A lot of couples do, and it's usually the guy who has the problem with not being able to go. While I believe that in many instances it doesn't matter where the guy works his appetite up as long as he comes home for dinner, some women just don't agree with that point of view. But in fairness, do you want to be having arguments like that all your life?

He has to decide whether the pros of your relationship outweigh the cons, at least for him. It's sort of a very nuts-and-bolts, and not romantic, way to think about things, but if you're going to marry a person, you have to make sure you can get along well enough to avoid the Dysfunctional Family Christmas. He made a pre-emptive strike, so I say you play a good defense while he goes along his little journey through "I love her, I love her not" land: don't move out there. Why uproot yourself from the life you have now for a "What if?" If he's really interested in you, he'll let you know. But you shouldn't take a chance... no one should build a house on a shaky foundation anyways.

My "friend" can be such a jerk. She yells comments about me and PMS for everyone to hear. She gets mad at me for spending too much time with my other friends and then she goes and does just what she doesn't want me to do. She makes fun of who I like and I have asked her to stop but she says she only does it because it bothers me.
The other day she stuck her gum to my binder and put my math book on top of it. She thought it would be funny. I am afraid to stop being friends with her because she has a lot of influence and I am scared if I stop being her friend she will make it difficult for me to make other friends.
What should I do?

--Friend has benefits, but is also a curse

Ditch the ditherer! Eject the idiot!

Dump that friend into the garbage bin of life.

She's not a friend - she's abusing you. How can you make friends if your textbooks are stuck together with Bazooka gum? Do you think you'll have an easy time making friends if Miss Popular is abusing you?

I can bet you there's a number of people in your school who have formed a hatred society about said mistress of annoyance. Find them - you'll already have something in common. She's not your friend - all the signs are there. Just ignore her, don't let it bother you because that's what's egging her on, and find people who actually have manners.

The guys who were my friends don't want to talk to me anymore. What can I do to be me again?

--Huh?

And now, from the INPursuit Help department, ways to ensure that your question can be answered properly:

If your caps lock is broken, please go over to a friend's house before sending it in.
If you want to ensure that you can't get good help, please include enough information so that we can understand your problem.
Please don't send too much, or we can't run it due to length. Or we start editing and it makes you look like a fool because it doesn't make sense.

Letter #1 violated rule #3 - I had to do some editing, and even at its current length it feels long. But I'm down to the bare information, so I let it slide.

Letter #2 was perfect - a couple typos, but that's par for the course.

And letter #3? If you know what this person is asking, feel free to E-mail me through the Ask a Question form and tell me what you think it is. All I can think of are questions, like "What did you do to make them stop talking to you?" or "Did you really do something to them, or did they just turn on you suddenly?" I'm confused. So, for the letter writer and for myself, good luck, and thanks for asking.

P.S. The crack INPursuit staff helped to fix violation of rule #1 - all caps sucks, and is bad 'netiquette.

Got a question? Just ask. You could see your question published in a future column with an answer from Josh!

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