A Word of Advice... on love

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, November 7, 2002

I am a mere freshmen but my heart has gone pitter patter for a senior. It is now evident that we feel the same way towards each other. However, she plans on moving to DC once she graduates. It has been said that a love lost is better than no love at all but with that said, I fear greater pain if we start the romance than if we never allow it to root. What should I do?

--Romeo in Distress

I think you have the right idea in theory, but the wrong idea in practice.

A love lost is better than no love at all, I would agree. But not acting on a love will leave you asking for awhile to come "what if something had come of this?" It's only the beginning of November - that's six months for you to grow and see what comes of it.

There's a chance it might not work out, and then you at least gave it a shot. That's one less thing that will come up in your mind a year from now when you're sitting in front of your computer playing solitaire at 3 a.m. like I was before writing this column.

Then again, if something does come out of it, that's a dilemma for another day. But that's really the point. If a relationship develops, six months will give you an idea of how things are going and whether it's something that could, or can continue after that time. If she gets a job in the tri-state area, it could be easy.

There are a few things to keep in mind here if you pursue this. First, don't approach this relationship like something with a countdown timer that will buzz and the relationship is over. If things are really good, you'll find ways to make it work, even if it means visiting every time the school offers a long weekend. Columbus Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Spring Break… there's a lot of opportunities. Second, even if things are going great, she shouldn't feel obligated to get a job close by just to be around. The internet, telephones, fax machines… there's a lot of communication possibilities. See where I'm going here? There's plenty of ways to make it work even after May, so don't let the time limit be a deterrence, either from starting the relationship or how your lives are planned both now and later. Take advantage of the time you have - you're young, and if it doesn't work out you should have at least a few weeks before you hit retirement to find someone.

--Love is the hardest word

I hope you mean "I love you," because I actually have a friend who starts falling in love, and the three words he wants to speak are "Let's break up." That commitment-phobe! (Sorry, dude. It is pathetic though.)

You should do it at a time that doesn't seem planned or rehearsed. You should, however, do it at a time where it seems right. A romantic setting, a heart-to-heart chat, even a romantic dinner. But pick a time where it seems right and it won't be ignored, missed or misinterpreted. Screaming it out in a passionate moment probably won't be taken seriously enough. Saying it as you emotionally get worked up during a discussion about where you are in the relationship would be taken much more seriously.

One of my shortest answers, but it's one of those things where I can't give you a definite time, date, location, etc. There'll just be a point where it just feels right, so jump on it then. Just remember that it has to come from the heart and not a cue card.

And if you're still stuck, Arbor Day could be fun.

--Dating dilemma

Tell him that you want him as much as a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Guys know how much girls love that stuff. At least a ton of my girl friends do.

Seriously, some of what I said in the first answer above applies here too… it's better to have given it a shot then not to do it at all, so it couldn't hurt.

A couple of issues to work through though while you're contemplating. First, make sure you tell him that you still want to be friends if he's not up for the idea. Second, if you do start dating, you should try to keep work and your relationship separate wherever possible. (Some workplaces also require you to report it - when I was working at one store, the girl I was dating and I had to tell management. As for the rest of the store, they found out and the jokes still roll when I stop by the store to this day.)

But, you do have some things going for you. The two years of working together, studying together, etc. will remove a lot of the awkwardness since you know each other already. A certain amount of trust has also been built, so he might feel more secure giving it a shot. You've been there for the ups and downs of the last relationship, and assuming you've been there for him (sounds like you've got a good thing going friendship wise already), so there's always a good chance in being part of the ups yourself this time. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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