A Word of Advice... on long-distance relationships

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, February 7, 2005

My boyfriend and I are approaching a separation in our relationship; he's going off to the Navy. I don't want to discourage him from leaving merely because it is needed to better our future. The problem is, I dont know if I can be strong enough to wait it out for the extensive time he will be away.

We have been together for three years and have a wonderful relationship. I can't see myself being with someone else, but I have a feeling that will change once he leaves me. What to do? Am I wrong if I don't want to wait? Or should I?

--Waiting game

You've been together for three years. By now, you've seen him, warts and all. If things were going to go sour for the stupid stuff, it probably would have by now.

Yes, the Navy may put a big strain on your relationship, but there's many military families that have survived over the years. When you do see him, it'll be all that much better. And you'll find that waiting can sometimes be painful, but the time can pass more quickly than you'd realize.

Of course, that all goes out the window if you end up meeting someone else equally wonderful that you want to take for a spin. My suggestion to you is to wait until that time comes; you might find it never does, or it could come up so much you might begin to question the relationship. At that point, decide what you think will be better for you.

Also remember that Navy stints do have a shelf life; some people may become career-oriented military people, while others spend a certain amount of time there and move on. Find out which your boyfriend seems to lean towards, and also find out how you'll fit into these plans. You might find yourself supporting his decision more fiercely once you see his motivation.

--An ocean between us

First off, let's clear one thing up: just because your roommate was unable to make a long-distance relationship work doesn't mean that your LDR will crumble after time away. I know of people who successfully managed the LDR setup and were even closer after the fact.

LDRs give people a chance to truly figure out how they feel about a person. When you're around someone a lot and having a good time, it can sometimes be easy to avoid digging below the surface and figuring out exactly where one stands on a relationship. It makes for an easy cover so that the problems in the relationship, and the potential rifts they may form, can be simply swept aside until another day. That, of course, can magnify the problems and make it that much more difficult later on.

As to your direct question, cutting a relationship off prematurely, especially if you feel that way about her, is a bad idea. Many people have rushed to judgement and killed off a relationship, only to realize they made a mistake. But many times, the person they dumped is so hurt they are unwilling to consider giving the person another chance. Or, newly free, they decide to start dating someone else, cutting off any chances of a reconciliation. Don't rush to a decision - take some time and think about it. You might just find it's not as bad as you think it will be.

--Two times the trouble

Um... I don't know what to say. A good relationship of two years to go by the wayside because a guy came back just to marry you, yet he'll wait around and be the "back-up boyfriend"?

He blew his chances by not keeping the lines of communication open very well. You met someone else; things are going great. If you're happy in your current relationship, do the smart thing and stick with it. The other guy abandoned you once for all intents and purposes... there's no saying he won't do it again. As for not hurting either, you really should make a decision; if your current boyfriend finds out about this, he'll want a confirmation that you're by his side. And really, if your current relationship is solid, there's no reason not to be with him.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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