A Word of Advice... on relationships

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, April 26, 2004

My fiance is 35 and still lives at home. He has a laundry list of excuses as to why. He has ex-girlfriends littered all over the place and they are still involved with his family.

His sister-in-law is best friends with his ex of 3 years and was recently named the god-mother of his niece, so she will be around forever. His mother and father are best friends with his high school ex-girlfriend's mother and father and she (the ex) comes to major family events still. We went to his best friend's wedding and another ex from high school sat at our table and taked to me and his parents the whole night.

I could go on but I wanted someone else's take on this. I understand the small town scenario but this seems ridiculous. I have voiced my opinion and he has done nothing, and says this is out of his hands; he can't tell people who to be friends with. What is your opinion?

--Friends after relationships

My take: better friends than foes, as long as their hands aren't roaming to his south pole.

A friend of mine recently had a relationship end that had gone on for a couple of years. She still sees his family though; although their relationship is over, that's not the only connection she made with the family. For years they treated her like a daughter, loved her like one, and invited her to practically every major event that they had going on.

The break-up isn't going to cause that bond to sever; she obviously has no beef with the family, and vice versa. In your boyfriend's case, he's got the right attitude overall. It's quite true that he can't, and shouldn't, dictate who his parents have as friends, for instance. If the ex happens to continue to get along well with the parents, who is he to judge or interfere? Your boyfriend living at home, despite his parents' continuing friendships with the exes, rules out a really bad falling out between him and the ex, and I bet that he's probably still friends to a degree with them too or he would've gotten out of that environment long ago.

The above paragraphs are a waste, however, similar to the last two paragraphs of your question. Your question is about ex-girlfriends, but you lead your question with his age (35) and where he lives (home). Somehow, I get the feeling that your question is more about whether he's got his priorities right in general, and not so much about the ex-girlfriends scenario. In other words, you've got doubts, and are wondering if it's time to hit the eject button.

It's easy to pit the blame on ex-girlfriends being all around, but I simply get the feeling that you have a larger problem here, whether it be he can't live on the own, he lives too much in the past, etc. And whatever that is, set aside the micro-issue of the exes and take a look at the broader picture. Is this a showstopper?

If it is, you should probably get out now, instead of dragging it on even longer. If this isn't something that could break this relationship, ultimately you'll need to adapt to his family's different, although semi-common, practice.

--Such a tease

Do nothing.

I know, normally I crack a really dumb joke at the beginning of each answer, but I mean it this time. Flirtation is generally harmless. Jealousy is not.

A quick poll of myself and the six voices in my head yielded the conclusion that jealousy can be extremely destructive to a relationship, and it all comes down to trust. Just like I trust the voices in my head to help me provide good advice, you need to be able to trust your girlfriend to not cheat, among other things. Without trust, the relationship suffers - it's such a big cornerstone of the relationship.

Is there a possibility that she'll cheat on you? Absolutes never work; the answer is "yeah, maybe," even though that maybe might be as slim a chance as getting hit by lightning. But the fact is, if you worry about her cheating, and try to control her and monitor her to make sure she's not cheating, she'll probably leave you or cheat on you anyway, just to be rebellious. That's no good.

Jealousy, when not kept in check, is really bad. Flirting's just good ol fashioned fun. And the old saying really is true - who cares how they work up an appetite, as long as they come home for dinner?

--Naive niece

He might do it again; the fact that she's so easily letting him getting away with it, even trying to ensure his happiness when he was the one at fault, is no doubt an encouragement. You can hear the average male brain clicking away right now. "Guy cheats on girl, girl asks for another chance. I can bang whoever I want! SCORE!"

Here's the problem: she's 18, and she's made her decision. That's going to be the reaction you'll increasingly get as she finds your attempts to interfere more and more annoying. "I'm an adult now - I'm making my own decisions now!" Love blinders are a real bitch to take off, too.

What you have to keep in mind is that she'll realize this mistake. It may take 15 or 20 friends repeatedly beating her over the head with the truth stick, or something randomly bad that happens in the relationship that just sets her off. Or he might drop her, after he decides that he's ready for something new. Whatever the case, eventually she'll realize the mistake... and then it's up to her not to repeat it (easier said than done for some).

Ultimately, while you may feel you want to protect your niece, a role no doubt that you've played in the past, chances are good she'll likely rebuff most of your efforts. Don't be shy about weighing in your opinion, but don't force it on her. If she sees you're respecting her boundaries and are looking out for her best interests, over time she'll latch on to that, value your opinion more and more, and turn to you more often for advice. If you want to be there for her, that's the best way to go - it'll ensure the best chance for a good, strong relationship as life goes on for you both.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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