A Word of Advice... on long-distance relationships

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, June 10, 2004

Portions of today's discussion came from the forums.

Hey everyone I have a real problem... I met my boyfriend online and I know what everyone is thinking, internet freak right? I truly believe he is different. I love him with all my heart.
Even though he says he does I feel like he doesn't mean it. From his past relationship of 6 years I know he has trouble saying the "L" word but we have been dating for about 4 or 5 months now and he won't call me. I understand the distance from Colorado to Chicago but after 5 months you would think he would wanna call. I ask him if he wants to call -- he says yes -- and then something comes up or says it's not a good time.
He says he is going to come out and visit me in July but I have a feeling he won't do it. I need help. Please don't say break it off, I couldn't do that after eveything he has been through with his ex. I love him so much but I just need help. Please give any advice!! Thank you

--Long-distance woes

Simple answer: you're worrying too much about what he's been through with his ex and not enough about what you, yourself, need to have a healthy relationship. If he's being dodgy, it's obvious he's not putting enough of a commitment into it. Why prolong something if he's not willing to give it his all?

If you're really intent on waiting it out, hold off until you see if he actually visits in July. Two months will go by quickly enough, and things could either improve, stay status quo, or fall apart - but at least you'll have your answer by mid-summer.

Just note that the longer you wait for a bad thing to become good, the more opportunities you might miss with much better guys.

UPDATE: The devil's in the details. Recently the girl who wrote the original question submitted a new post both to my mailbox and the message board, with the following update:

If you have read my last post I was worried about him not calling and coming out. Now I am worried about how to tell my dad about him. I mean he is my father and since I am 15 and he is 19 I am worried how to tell him.

I really need some advice. I am so sad and confused, I dont know what to do or say to him. I mean my dad is really protective of me. I am just confused. PLEASE respond with some advice on what to do. Thanks again.

Before you read my reply, I'd just like to say I edited the following answer about 10 times over because I'm only 21, but it read like I was a parent of 50. Please don't take my advice as a lecture - but on the other hand I didn't want to tone it down too much because the severity of precaution required here is great.

The additional information changes a lot of things in my answer, which was a little too brief for its own good to begin with. I need to tack an addendum onto my original advice, based on both the age factor and some common notes I forgot to mention about meeting up with someone online in particular.

First of all, the age factor: your age group is the group most commonly preyed upon by people online. While this guy might not be one of those horrific men who hunt for young girls online, it's still an extremely risky practice, and highly unsafe. The Internet allows people to hide behind a disguise quite easily, and that in turn puts you really at risk here.

Even setting aside ages, you need to play it extremely safe if you're really going to go through with this (these tips should really be observed by anyone who's meeting someone from the Internet for the first time):

Meet him in a public place. One person I chatted with suggested a mall (multi-story - not a strip mall or something like that, although there is that rare mall with 50 acres that's one endless floor - avoid that). Tell him to meet you on the first floor, and then watch for him on the second to ensure it's the person who you've seen pictures of. If it's a 35-year-old, leave.
If not the mall, choose a public place that's neutral, where you can get help, and where you can make a clean getaway from him if it doesn't work out. Do NOT let him know where you live; if he becomes dangerous, you don't want him to know where he can find you.
Tell people where you're going to be. Carry a cell phone on you and have your friends call maybe an hour into the thing; if it's going badly, you can exit gracefully with a "family emergency."
The biggest question I have here is where this stranger (that's what he is - you've never actually *met* him in person) is going to stay, how he's going to get around, etc. I know Chicago's got a fantastic subway system, but I get this haunting feeling your original intent is to have him stay with you and dad, and that's not going to fly with dad, and shouldn't fly for safety reasons. If you *have* to do this, those details need to be worked out. And dad needs to be brought in on this.

You've developed what you call a love for this person, sight unseen. You have no idea what he's like in person; he might be a total turn-off once you meet him. In fact, the one solid way he could show he is committed to you, through calling you (and how hard is that, really?), is the one thing he's struggling with for some reason. This is just not adding up, for a number of reasons.

Furthermore, you have to carefully consider how well this relationship can work out, ultimately, with a good thousand miles and four years separating the two of you. Distance is a huge barrier for all ages, but age is also a barrier; you've got the college vs. high school tug of war, and on top of distance that makes this extremely difficult to manage.

Soul-searching is definitely needed here. Is this the best you can do? Someone four years older, a thousand miles away, who won't even call you? I again urge you to not worry about his ex, whose actions are obviously out of either of your control, and instead consider what's best for you.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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