A Word of Advice... on relationships

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Wednesday, July 11, 2007

I have a question about a relationship that I am in. I am engaged to someone that is really controlling. I love him but I don't know if I want to be with him. I don't ever get to talk to any of my guy friends or my girl friends. I love his family to death too.

How do I break-up with him and still be friends with his family? I don't think I would be able to stand to see him with another girl and he probably wouldn't be able to stand to see me with another guy because of how much we love each other.

Another thing that is hard about this is I am pregnant with his baby. Please help me!

--Tangled web woven

You can’t make this all happen. If he’s controlling, and you’re unhappy, and you want out, you get out. Don’t worry about the family, as they’re not the relationship; the connection between you and the guy is the relationship. You don’t think about him with another girl or yourself with another guy, you think about why you’re so damned miserable.

Love is great, but if the cons outweigh the pros, it’s time to hit the eject button.

The baby complicates things, but what happens when he becomes controlling with the child too? You can’t see friends because he won’t let you. You think that having his kid or hanging with his family will solve any of this?

You have pull the plug while there’s still a chance. Work out parental arrangements post-breakup and just get the hell out of Dodge. Someone who’s this controlling now may end up even more so once he realizes there’s little way out for you, and he’ll ensure he can keep it that way.

After the dust has settled, if you still want to hang with his family, go for it, but just realize he may be around when you’re around, or he may stop his family from seeing you (that pesky control thing again). Sanity should be the goal here, and he’s infringing on your ability to have a normal life. Why continue down that path? You’ll find someone better, and then the stigma of being with another guy will fade away, especially once he can’t control you anymore.

--Quick hits

This is where not enough detail will kill my ability to answer this all that effectively. Instead, let me offer some follow-up questions to ask yourself:

Is there a common thread that’s making all these relationships seem as fragile as tissue paper? You may indeed not be finding someone who’s compatible with your personality, but maybe the type of things you’re looking for doesn’t mesh with a relationship.

Are you coming on too strong? You can’t be too aggressive too early with many people, as they may feel it’s a desperation move.

Are you putting a stigma on yourself by worrying about the two week curse? You might be meeting great girls, but aren’t putting enough effort into building the right foundation because you figure it’ll be the same result as last time.

Finally, remind yourself that all of us go through false starts and bad relationships to hit the holy grail of the “right person.” Having relationships that fail quickly may be bad choices, but better to quickly realize that and move on then to spend years with someone who’s no good.

--I want him!

Your intentions are good, but please, please take a breath right now.

A few weeks isn’t enough time for many people to pick an apartment, let alone be sure a guy or girl is serious relationship material. Most guys especially won’t take that deep a step a few weeks in.

As such, the best thing to do is to continue down the path. Things will themselves get more serious in time, assuming the guy’s not a jerk and intentionally keeping things light and frothy to avoid making a commitment. This is a good question at the two or three month mark. A few weeks is simply too early to stress.

To help ease your mind, simply remind yourself that time will tell. In the mean time, have fun and enjoy his company!

Good luck and thanks for asking.

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