A Word of Advice... on relationships

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, August 6, 2007

I am in a relationship, have been for a while, but I cannot seem to stop being attracted to other guys. Sexually attracted. I know it sounds bad but I can't help it. And as bad as it seems it is getting really hard not to act on my impulses.

Is this attraction to other guys normal? Or is it a sign that I am not satisfied where I'm at and get out of the relationship? Or am I subconsciously trying to ruin my relationship on purpose? Sometimes that is what it feels like.

--Looking around

I’m of the type that can read into things a lot. That makes me a good advice columnist. But it could also be really sucky when it comes to thinking too much about a relationship.

It’s madness to think that people are only attracted to one person at a time, and it’s madness to think that the person you marry is the last person you’ll be attracted to. Of course you can be attracted to other guys, and it doesn’t sound bad. If you’re in a good relationship, however, you don’t act on your impulses because you’re a real fan of what you’ve got.

You could fall into one of two camps, and you’ll need to think a bit into which corner you fall. In this corner is the person who’s not ready to settle down. Dating’s fun, but sampling the chocolates is the modus operandi of this person. It’s not time to get married or even settle in for the long-term relationship. This person is all about taking a tour of what the dating world has to offer.

And in this corner is the person who’s just not happy in the relationship they’re in. This person might be looking for an out, and might be hoping to hop from the person they’re in a relationship into the arms of a waiting potential mate.

You could be either of the two. So, some questions to ask yourself: is the relationship good? Are you happy? Does he “do it” for you? You may find you’re fine and just have an extremely active roaming eye. You might find there is something missing that’s causing you to look around. Or, he may be perfect, but you’re just not ready for a relationship. Think about the options carefully before taking any action.

--Vice city

The simple answer is you can’t stop anyone from doing anything. I find it hard to believe you didn’t know about all these things prior to dating what sounds like an attractive chap. As such, if this was a problem when you were dating, I can only assume you thought that marriage would break him of these things.

Let’s face it: he’s been a beer-swilling, Marlboro-puffing, porn-spanking man’s man since you were dating, and unless he plans on making changes on his own, he’ll remain a Marlboro-puffing, porn-spanking man’s man for a long time to come. What you have to ask yourself is if the qualities you saw in him when you started dating are still there, and are enough positives to keep you around. He had to have had some strong good qualities for you to date him and ignore the negatives. Dig deeper and see if you can find them again. Everyone’s got vices; it’s a matter of taking the good with the bad.

--In love & confused

A long-term relationship can be sabotaged by distance, and I’m thinking that’s what may have happened here. The distance can make the ties seem weaker, and having other people around who you form stronger ties with as a result of the proximity can just make the relationship suffer more.

The big question is whether you think it’s worth keeping things alive while you’re in a different location. Assuming you follow the normal college scenario, you’ll have breaks and summer vacations to keep things burning. You may find that this is indeed possible, and the both of you will both have to tweak what you expect out of a relationship to make this happen. It’s also possible you might find the distance and amount of time apart takes the spark out of the relationship. At that point, it may be worth rolling back the relationship to just be friends and finding someone closer.

Some people have the major dumpsgiving fallout, while others make it happen over the long haul. It’s a matter of what you need, what you want, and how much you’re willing to give.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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