A Word of Advice... on rolling back the relationship

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Sunday, August 10, 2003

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 8 years. We always had a loving, open and comfortable relationship. From the beginning we both knew we were meant to be together. Well, for the past few months, he revealed to me that he is missing something and that he wants and needs to find his own individuality and in order for him to do this, we need to not live together anymore. This hurts me so much because I am so afraid I am going to lose him. I feel that this can be good for the both of us but is this too big of a risk for our relationship? He doesn't want to be with other people if we separate. I think he wants to go backwards and just date me again. Am I wasting my time? Should I break it off or go with this?

--Let him have his way?

You need to do this as much as California needs 389 people to run for governor. However, you're going to have to go with it.

The problem that exists here is that with the insisitance that he needs a bit of space, if you don't give it to him, you risk a full break-up at some point down the line anyway. If you don't go with this, he'll break up with you. If you do go with this, he might break up with you. Or he might not.

Going with this, as painful as it might be, is the best solution overall. Give it a shot, and if it doesn't work out, just remember that any guy who can't commit after eight years probably wasn't worth being with anyway. Eight years without a ring is a long time. If he's got commitment issues, you're probably not going to get married any more after moving out than staying in the house. Your hands are pretty much tied if you want even a fighting chance.

Me and my girl have been together for over two years, and we have always had a pretty good relationship. But she always wanted to get married, and I was never really ready. So about six months ago I told her that I wasn't ready yet, and it would be a good thing if we stopped seeing each other, because I didn't want to hold her up. But she said she wanted to be with me regardless of whether I was ready. So I decided to give it another chance.
So over the last couple months I have really been thinking about it, and I decided that I do want to marry her. And just last month I told her that. That's when things started getting bad. She told me that she wasn't sure if she wanted to marry me anymore, and said that she needed a little break to think about things. Well over her break of two weeks in which we didn't speak, she decided that it would be better if we were just friends right now, and just try to start all over. She says that there is a good chance that we could end up back together, but she doesn't know when. She says that we need to rebuild our trust and get to know each other again.
I really miss her a lot, and I am ready for marriage, but she won't even consider taking me back. She says it's a slow gradual thing we have to work towards. But I want to be with her so bad it hurts. All I ever do is sit around and think about her and wait for her to call. I just want to be back with her. Any advice on how I can do that, or maybe why she is doing this? Please help, I want her back so bad it hurts!

--What's the deal?

So she wants to marry you, says she'll wait for you, but then when you're ready to marry her she can't TRUST you anymore? What the heck is that all about?

There's a huge red flag right there. If she was really into marrying you, this obviously wouldn't have been a problem. But maybe while you were thinking she was too - that you were not sure, and she started to question whether she should commit to this.

The fact that she wants to scale things back though is really sucky, and I don't see why you should play her games and go along with this. She's already told you there's no guarantee how long it'll take. Why spend all that time just for her to decide she likes her freedom? Tell her if she needs her space, fine. But you are going to be looking. And if she comes back at the wrong time, it'll be too late.

I've been dating the same guy now for 3 years. We started dating in high school when I was a sophomore and he was a senior. He left for school a couple hundred miles away but we made it through. I decided to go to a big ten school, and he decided to transfer to the same school as me. We've had such a good relationship for the past couple years, but it's dying down now. Neither of us have had a serious relationship before this one. We are mostly questioning our relationship because my parents did the same thing as us and now they are getting divorced. And we can't think of a single couple that is happily married with the person they dated in high school. We are contemplating whether or not to date other people while at college. How are we ever going to know if we are right for each other if we don't date others? But we both agree that we don't want to lose each other in the process, through jealousy and such. I understand that I shouldn't fix something that isn't broke, but I don't want us regretting not dating others in college like it seems so many other couples do. Has anyone been through something like this? What should we do? Is it even possible?

--Natural flirt

Let's be clear on a couple of things here: first, people don't date others in college. They either hook-up or enter a long-term relationship. Very rare is the person who doesn't go to either of those extremes. Second, if you guys think you need to date around because you're not sure if you'll regret dating each other is a sign you're regretting dating each other already.

When people need to open up a relationship after three years (more on the significance of that time in a moment), there's usually some sort of problem that's causing this to happen. In your case, you're wondering if things are just fizzling out because your relationship has run its course.

I say maybe, maybe not. Here's where the timeframe comes in. And I can bring this to you because as part of my interest in writing an advice column is in passing on the information I've read from virtually hundreds of sources over the years. Consider it a public service announcement in an easy-to-swallow caplet.

Many experts I've read agree that there's a "honeymoon phase" in a relationship. That is, there's that initial ooh-aah factor that fades after a couple of years. The time frame they generally refer to is a three-year period. Coincidence that you're questioning at the three year mark? Probably not.

The question you have to ask yourself is, since the honeymoon phase is obviously ending in your relationship, is what's left still good? Are you still enjoying the time you spend together? Do you guys still enjoy a good emotional, romantic, and physical connection? Are your fights trivial or arguments over trust, jealousy, and cheating? (Or, put in a more fun way, are they Jerry Springer-type problems or Oprah-type problems?) That can give you a good gauge on how things will progress in the future.

But one note for the pro-non-exclusive option: you're both in college, and a lot of people change a lot during the 18-23-year-old period as they find themselves and evolve into the person they become as an adult. So, sometimes people do drift apart. They can also drift closer. So consider that as part of your decision. But whatever you choose, don't choose to do something just because of what-ifs and the not. Do it because it feels right... go with your gut and your heart. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

Got a question? Just ask. You could see your question published in a future column with an answer from Josh!

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