A Word of Advice... on relationships

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, September 15, 2005

I have been in a heap for a year - no chicks, no partying, no nothing. My last relationship ended really badly a year ago, but I'm not hung up on it. But I've been burying myself in work with no life. It's very unlike me.

I met a fantastic girl a few months ago and we have been communicating on a consistent basis, but she lives 2000 miles away and I know her ex still stops by to see her. I get a little anxious sometimes but I can only hope things work out for the best. I keep making hints at going up there to see her but she is more bent on coming to see me when she can. What should I do? Is it worth taking a chance on this girl? Am I paranoid? Or am I just a sick love-whipped fool?

--Distant hopes

This relationship doesn't seem very healthy. I initially was latching on to the "she is more bent on coming to see me" part, with the ex mixed in - it felt a little suspect. The ex thing in and of itself isn't a big deal; I'm friends with all of my exes, so that doesn't really mean anything. Her not wanting you to come up there could mean she's hiding something. But perhaps not.

So here's my real problem with this.

Just taking one quick look at gas prices right now makes you wonder how long this can go on and still be affordable. I don't care if Jet Blue makes a special trip directly from her house to yours at inexpensive prices - things are going to get more pricey, fast. And even if they hadn't, a plane trip or a 2000 mile car ride is still quite the expensive proposition.

Is it worth taking a chance on this girl? I'd say no, unless there's a better-than-average chance you're going to end up closer to each other… much closer… in the near-distant future.

If you had been dating for a couple of years, and had been close by originally, I'd advise differently, but this seems like a stretch considering this is your first relationship right after such a nasty breakup - it's almost like a relationship of convenience, where you can control it in small doses, and is no realistic visual of whether you're ready for a good relationship again.

I think that a certain teacher likes me. In class sometimes he'll say I'm pretty, I look good, or he likes my hair. He also is always trying to hook me up with a guy in our class. He'll say things like "he thinks you're hot" but he'll say it in front of that guy. Also he always complements my work, and whenever there's an in class reading, he always picks me to read, and it's usually the longest section. He doesn't act that way with anyone else in the class. I know nothing can or will ever happen, but I was wondering if it seems like my teacher is "crushing" on me in some way?

--Looking for help

Hate to be blunt, but: who cares if he is or not?

The reading passages and work complementing might just be a teacher encouraging a good student. The "he thinks you're hot" thing bothers me. He might be crushing, or he might be just one of those pain in the ass teachers that like to cause a bit of commotion. Whichever the situation, it's really not that appropriate for him to do that.

I'd normally give it an 'eh' assuming it was a peer, but really, if he can do that with you, he might end up doing it with someone later who has a bigger problem with it, and it's for that reason that I'd talk to him and say you really don't think it's appropriate student-teacher interaction. If that fails, take it up to whoever oversees their department.

I started talking to a guy via the internet and we talked on the phone for about 5 days. We met and next thing you know we were in bed together the same night. He doesn't necessarily talk to me the same way he did before or as often. Why?

--What gives?

You fooled around with him. Mystery solved.

It's apparent he either wanted to fool around with you, and that's it, or the mystery was gone once you went down that route. Either way, I think the correlation between in bed and lost interest are tied.

Really it just goes to show as a reminder that sometimes people are looking for something in particular, and when they get it, they tend to stop pursuing, unless they want it again. Apparently, he got what he want, and has taken a step back. Unfortunately, it seems like you didn't get what you wanted, but really, since he's obviously not going to return the favor, you should look for someone else.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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