A Word of Advice... on relationships

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, October 6, 2003

I've been going out with my gf for about 4 months. We get along very well and we are always honest with each other. She tells me occasionally about a guy she is in college with that she is great friends with; she says he is really nice and we (myself and him) should meet up.

But last night in bed she told me that she would definitely "do him if we weren't going out." She obviously saw the expression on my face and said she was just being honest with me, and that she loved me.

I believe her, but... I feel they are flirting. Even if it's harmless, why on earth would I want to meet this guy now!? I have more thoughts/feelings on this but I'm all muddled.

Am I right to be a pissed off?

--I'm Mr. Right Now... but am I Mr. Right?

Honesty is good. She did it in a somewhat blunt way though, which isn't always sensitive to the other partner's particular feelings.

Meeting this guy has its pros and cons. Knowing who the guy is will at least have her get off that subject. You might find he's just a nice guy in general, and he might be able to let you know if she's trying to pursue him. He could also end up giving you the indication that he's simply not interested, so all it would remain in her mind is a fantasy, something every guy and girl in a relationship has at some point.

Then again, on the other side of the coin, a hatred might form if you personally believe he's got bigger biceps, a nicer smile, a preppie look that you can't achieve yourself, etc.

What should you do? Consider the fact that she hasn't gone after him, keep your jealousy in check, and keep the relationship train moving. Jealousy, at least for now, has a larger chance of derailing the train than her cheating on you.

Let me tack on other thing on here just for a side note: the moment I read the letter, the back of my head shouted "THREESOME!" Since I'm feeling a little on the provocative side, maybe she's trying to indicate to you she wants you to meet him so maybe that could happen later down the line? It's a left field comment; usually that topic would come up before possible subjects were picked. But everyone works differently, so who knows? Just thought I'd make your life, and my readers' reads, a little more interesting today, free of charge.

--Dazed and confused

Do the best you can - be supportive. She's obviously going through some personal stuff, and she's questioning a lot of things right now.

I do wonder about a couple of things in your letter, brief as it is. You say she is struggling with the idea that you're a really good friend that she loves now? I don't really get it. If you love a person, now is an important thing, as is yesterday and tomorrow. Is she saying that suddenly one year of love is all she's got? Kind of strange, and I'm sure that's why you mentioned it. It's something to explore a bit. You two have been together for a year - I'm sure opening up can't be that difficult for you two to do with each other.

Then there's the "It seems like she is falling for someone else" line. Is there someone else? Or is this just a vague, grasping for straws kind of explanation you're tacking onto it? If you're reaching for those soda drinkers, be careful - the last thing a significant other needs is for her boyfriend or girlfriend to give up on them when they need them. And it sounds like she REALLY needs you right now. Maybe you'll make it through OK... maybe you won't. But either way, things will work out, and right now the best place you can be is by her side, available if she needs anything, but not in a way that shoves yourself on her. Give her some space, but be sure she knows the door is open.

--Siamese relationship

Now the back of my head is showing a replay of the scene from "Grease" where one fo the teachers puts a balloon in between the dancers. You know, "some space for God" or something like that.

What's the problem with that?

Living your life glued to your girlfriend isn't hugely beneficial. Having a social life outside of the significant other circle is a very good thing. You have someone to talk to for advice (instead of writing to a random advice columnist), if something goes wrong you have someone to fall back on for help, and most of all your head is out in the world instead of trapped inside the cramped confines of boyfriend/girlfriend.

Her wanting to get out and have friends is a direct response to being stuck in a relationship without that breathing room. That's why they call it suffocation - eventually, you have to come up for air. And if it's killing you, you need to rethink your dating strategy, because most people, girls or guys, need their me time. Give her some space and she won't need to try these week-long experiments. When people "try" things or "take some time off" from the relationship, it's usually a sign that the Titanic has set sail. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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