A Word of Advice... on relationship exclusivity

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, December 8, 2003

For the last five years I've been in two long relationships one after another. I finally broke out of the last one (which was the most horrible two and a half years of my life) and now single. Within two months I found someone else and we have been seeing each other, and I am so completely happy, but he leaves every second weekend for track meets, and I always get drunk and end up making out with a guy at the bar or doing something with another guy.

Every morning after my wrongdoings I regret it, because I am totally into the guy I'm seeing. I'm not ready to totally commit, I want to be single and find a great guy so I don't have a repeat of the last relationship. I don't believe in cheating and I have good morals. Why am I doing this? I also end up hurting the other guys. I think this guy thinks we are committed, but I think otherwise, although I like him more and more every day. We haven't really talked about our title. Please give me any advice, help, or any comments. Thanks.

--Committed, yet somehow not

Contradiction. The new fragrance by Calvin Klein.

You want to be single and find a great guy. Yet you are so completely happy with this current guy. Haven't you found said great guy?

You don't believe in cheating. You still do it. Is this guy as great as you claim?

You don't think you're committed, but you like him more and more each day. What's the problem with committing to this guy?

I think this is a timing issue. You had a really sucky two-plus years with the last boyfriend. Despite your best efforts, you feel a need to sow your wild oats. Despite your obvious interest in the current bf, you just can't commit after what you went through.

Sometimes, the right thing is there, but you're not ready to accept it.

Sadly, if you aren't over what happened with the last relationship, this sweet, great guy that you like more and more each day won't work out. As long as you are stuck in this dichotomy, neither will end up working out. If you want a committed relationship, and this guy is good, you need to stop sowing your wild oats. If you can't, you need to let him go while you get it out of your system, and then either try to return to him (if he'll take you back - unlikely considering the amount of time you've been together, based on the timeline you provided) or find someone who will treat you as well.

This relationship simply cannot survive this way. Eventually, he'll get wind of one of these extracurricular activities and it'll be game over. It's best if you cut things off before it hits that point.

--An offer that's too good to be true?

Trying to keep you happy? It sure isn't a new car or anything, but most guys would jump at that chance. And I don't like the sound of it.

Open relationships are tricky things. Some people are willing to let their SO (significant other) date around without penalty. But it's different if you're just going out, spending time together, or even making out. Sex is a serious commitment. It screws with your head. Someone's INSIDE of you. And he's willing to let you do that with other people?

It sounds like cheating, and here's why: if he's giving you permission, obviously it's because he wants to be able to do that himself, if he hasn't already gone ahead and started. Chances are, he's doing this as a way to get himself something outside the relationship - it's a nookie reflex gone haywire. If he needs it outside a relationship, he shouldn't get it from you at all - it's not fair to you and you shouldn't put up with it.

--Testing the waters

Yes, they can work out sometimes. Occasionally, people realize things aren't working out, but once they see what it's like away from the SO, they end up getting back together and things are even stronger than before. It's worked for some of my friends.

Sometimes, though, it doesn't, for the simple reason that the problems that caused the original breakup are still there. If you can't make it work the first time, know why it didn't work, don't resolve the problems, and get back together, how does that change anything? The only thing that changes is you're older, still single, and haven't figured things out yet.

The best case for an on and off relationship is that if someone's in a relationship, and things aren't going the way they hoped, they can get out, see things from a different perspective, and get back in. The problem is both sides have to agree to get back together as well. When a couple does get back together, though, it's because they still have strong feelings for each other and think they can make it work. And the fact that they're willing to give it another shot is something in their favor. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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