A Word of Advice... on relationships

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, December 9, 2004

I have been with this guy for 2.5 years. Things WERE going great. We go to school 5 hours apart. It is NOT the distance thing that is the problem.

Since he has turned 21, he does not have "time" for me. He goes to class, baseball pratice, library to do his homework... and NO WHERE in there does he have time to really talk to me. I call and he acts like he doesn't have "time" to stop reading for a second and tell me how he feels about me.

He also goes to the bar every Wednesday night with the guys and although this does not bother me that much, he acts like the bar and the guys are better then me. I have gone from priority number one to just about number 10 on the list.

When he comes home for the weekend we never do anything special! He seems to want to spend time with his parents and his brother over me, even though he "loves and misses" me. He reassures me that he loves me and that we will work.

Don't you think that if he really loved me he would make time for me? I am not asking much -- just a little romance throughout my day. Am I being ridiculous?

--Long time, no see

You're not being ridiculous about what you want... but you are about your assumptions.

Let's go through this piece by piece. I would argue distance is causing issues; he's building himself a life where he is, five hours away, where you're not there all the time. As such, it's quite easy to develop an "out of sight, out of mind" mentality. Whether that's right or not is for you to decide, but if it's not the way you want to be treated he might not be for you.

You say you're not bothered much by him going to the bar with the guys, yet in the *same* sentence you tell me you don't like the way it makes you feel - thrown aside. In fact, that seems to be the thread here; you feel thrown aside because of a number of reasons.

His coming home on the weekend? If you're in school, and you have to make a five hour trek home for the weekend, you'd likely be tired; you come home to get away and relax. But that indeed means you're ignored at home just like when he's away, although for different reasons and likely not all that intentional reasons in the end.

Is this a savable relationship? I'm not sure; it would require some work, and a lot of patience, as all LDRs do. It doesn't sound like that's something both sides can provide right now; maybe a break, and a search for someone closer, is in order. The amount of sarcasm I edited out of your letter ("loves and misses" me was followed by a parenthetical "yeah, right!") seems to only emphasize that option. Maybe you missed the boat in not celebrating Dumpsgiving.

--Guilt-ridden e-mail snoop

Tell him what you did - tell him curiousity not only got the cat, but is guilt-tripping it to death. Apologize profusely, tell him that he forgot to log out (remind him to log out in the future - no sense allowing for another temptation) and wait for either the storm to blow over or, if he's the more gentle type, to shrug it off.

By opening up ASAP, you're letting him know it wasn't something you do regularly, and that you are still maintaining an honest and open relationship, even when you have a relapse into immature behavior.

I have a friend who, because she helped her boyfriend setup and maintain his cell phone account, tripped across some information she wouldn't have had otherwise except it was just sort of out there because they shared a cell phone. The E-mail situation is the same; while it's OK to say we trust each other, most people will, just out of normal curiousity, poke around where they shouldn't be. Fight the temptation in the future, and just click the log-out button. And for this round, tell him what happened and your guilt, as well as any negative feeling he might have, should blow over.

--Change of venue

A good lawyer would know how to handle this one: if your relationship was like a contract, ask for an amendment to change the terms of the agreement. He will have the opportunity to respond to such a request, and to gracefully back out of the agreement or leave it at the status quo.

In other words, tell him. He may go along with your newly-acquired taste for monogamy, or he may not. But as long as you allow it to remain non-exclusive, he's going to date others and you're going to be hurt. If he doesn't want to date exclusively, you'll have to decide whether having him in some capacity is better or worse than not having him at all, and while it might sound easy, it's more difficult when feelings and relationships are involved... some soul searching may be in order as well.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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