A Word of Advice... on relationships

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, December 15, 2003

Portions of today's discussion originated from the forums.

--An 'A' for effort

Not recommended. That Dawson's Creek-ish scenario rarely happens, and when it does, it's WAY too dangerous - the teacher can get fired for it, and if you really cared about that person, you wouldn't want to risk their job, let alone their career, over something like a relationship that would not likely work out.

But since you asked...

I'm aware of one person who ended up attempting this type of thing, but he waited until after he graduated and was 18 - therefore, no teacher/student relationship to worry about, no conflict of interest, and best of all, the teacher can't get in trouble for that. It didn't work out after long, but that's the closest you can really get to that type of situation, and even then suspicious minds may still cause problems.

There's also the whole jail issue, especially if age of consent isn't until 18 in your state. It varies so widely - 18 in some states, 13 (!) in others, but it's definitely important - a trip to ageofconsent.com will at least clear that part of it up for you.

Waiting until graduation is a good rule of thumb no matter what the age though, because even if legally both of your lives wouldn't be ruined, it would be if the school board opened hearings to fire her over an improper relationship, Dawson's Creek style. The show didn't mention one factor - the media circus that would follow such an event - that would definitely follow you around, and anyone Googling your name for whatever reason would likely trip over it somehow, somewhere.

What kind of present do you think I should give her? I was thinking something along the lines of a gift certificate at a bookstore? And a card saying how much of a good job she's doing as a teacher?

Glad to see you're avoiding the "Victoria's Secret" catalog. Well, I mean, at least in terms of gift buying. There are other uses that are generally accepted.

Gift certificates should be on the up and up - I know many times in middle and high school I got gifts for teachers and they were allowed to accept them - especially in public schools, since that's one of the rare ways you're able to show any appreciation for a teacher at all.

Just keep in mind that sometimes teachers are very friendly, and when they strike up a rapport with a student it's just because they find that rare student who actually looks at them as a person and not someone who dishes out homework like it's punishment. I have a few teachers who I actually still talk to on a regular basis, especially ones I run into a lot or have worked with outside the school.

Waiting, like you're planning, is the best course... and again, something else might come along or you might find yourself less interested in her by that time - who knows? Crushes, love, etc. is one of those odd things that changes with time.

One other factor to consider that I didn't mention before, but now that the age element is there, I can: keep in mind before approaching her the distance/college equation. A fairly proven theory in freshman year of college is the element of "Dumpsgiving," where those who have high school relationships that carry into long-distance ones in college just fall apart by November. Your teacher will no doubt know about this, and so you'll likely want to make sure that distance won't be a factor... and it goes without saying that you shouldn't choose a college close by vs. one that's farther away solely on the prospects of a relationship with someone.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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