A Word of Advice... on long-term relationships

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, December 23, 2004

My boyfriend and I are in a long-term relationship. Since I moved we had planned for him to come and see me for the holidays. He said he is not sure if he wants to come because he has to save up money for a car. He would have taken a bus.

I told him that I would take care of the expences and he said OK. Then he called me back and said that he has to think about it because he wants to do stuff for school. He doesn't even have school from the 26th of December to the 1st of January.

I asked him if it was because he doesn't want to see me. He said that that's not the reason and that he really does want to see me. I just don't understand him.

His parents are upset that he is coming to see me. They are always telling him that he shouldn't mess with someone so far away. Do you think his parents might have something to do with this? What is his problem?

--Parental advisory?

His parents might very well have something to do with this. He wants to see you, his parents doesn't, and when one excuse fails, he brings another one out... once he can think of it.

It seems a bit unusual that the one week he's got a break, he doesn't want to spend it with you. It's a little more bizarre that when the expenses thing was covered (and a bus isn't *that* expensive to take, mind you), he brings up an equally small hurdle.

Something seems off, but the excuses are so weak I doubt it's because he's trying. A person wanting to get out of something would have a backup plan already in place just to be safe. I think the parents are the most likely culprit.

--Them's fighting words

Relationships are amazing when it comes to durability sometimes. The kind of crap you'd never put up with your friends somehow slips by when a relationship's involved. The more feelings are included, the more lenient one gets.

Enough's enough when you just can't stand it anymore. Generally, this point is months after your friends tell you to "drop the bitch" and so on... they always seem to know well before, and that's because they don't have the love blinders on.

That having been said, no relationship is fight-free. If they are, either the couple is *way* too similar or they're just denying what's lying underneath, and it'll eventually bubble up just like any other healthy couple. Fighting's fine; it happens. It's what comes out of those fights that matters. If the fighting actually leads to a compromise, resolution, etc. then you're OK. If you hit a point where you're fighting for the sake of fighting, you're done.

But everyone has a different threshold for what they'll put up with. You know what you can tolerate. Decide whether the relationship as a whole is worth whatever fighting you incur from time to time. If it's not, it's time to start again with someone else.

--Huh?

The best I can say for this one is if the relationship is not going in a way that works for you, dump her and find someone who will treat you like you should be treated.

And if the "she won't agree" part is about you trying to cut things off, she doesn't have to agree. If both sides aren't agreeable to the relationship at hand there isn't one - that defies the definition of relation.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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