A Word of Advice... on roommates

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, August 25, 2003

My roomie has dealt with a lot of hardship this year so I have been really understanding. We share a room but she bought a bedroom set and put it in there. She is also REALLY messy. We have talked about it but nothing gets done b/c I cave. Now I'm sick of "allowances" and I want to get her to put her junk in storage and we can use the room with twin beds. How do I do this w/o hurting her more? I'm afraid that she will move out and hate me, and that will suck for our mutual pals (especially my best friend who lives with us).

--Distraught over roommate's madness

DORM, you've hit on your problem right in the question, and you have to basically stop doing what you're doing: cave. You cave, so you live in a cave. Quite convenient.

You say you have another friend that also shares the place with you, so why not talk to her? If she can see what you're saying, and agrees with you, there's a solution in all of that. Have a roommate intervention. It's worked for many of my friends.

Here's how it works: the two of you join together and have a conversation with her. You aim not to make it seem like an attack of her by allowing her the chance to talk and making it seem like a friendly discussion. Your friend, being there and also living there, will be there for back-up purposes and to help keep you from caving. The idea is for her to jump in when it seems like you're wavering and help the third roommate understand what's going on without you having to give in once more.

Maybe a different household arrangement can be arranged. If there's only three of you, maybe you can adjust the rent payment split accordingly and your friend can share the room with her instead of you (especially if she's fine with the messy 'mate, unlike yourself). One way or another, there's a solution. If it's really bad, consider moving or helping this slobby person find someone more compatible to room with. Sadly, many people, especially friends or mutual friends, get stuck in these situations by rooming together and then realizing that living with someone 24/7 doesn't work very well. In those circumstances, like relationships that fail when people live together, it's better to just cut your losses and move on.

--Finding a roommate's tricky

You know what's more tricky? Coming up with pseudonyms that match the questions, FART. Sadly, sometimes the acronyms don't work all that well.

On to your question though: There isn't one type of person that makes a roommate good in general. I do have some tips though, starting with the one I mentioned above: many friends don't tend to work well as roommates. When you're living with someone for a year or longer, friendships can be strained heavily by it. Those people who were fun going to the bar with (or bowling, take your pick) might not be so fun when they complain that you left your toenail clippings on your desk again. (I swear that won't be a problem this year, honest.)

Those surveys housing departments give out, which sometimes veer in the direction of a maitre'd being channeled through a piece of paper (smoking or non? early eater or late eater?) can be a good thing to consider. If your roommate has similar habits to yourself, you won't have to worry about your anal clean lifestyle being spoiled by someone who grew up on Mount Trashmore. I love to tell the story of how I was paired with someone who could've been mistaken for my twin in terms of habits and lifestyle my freshman year, and housing actually paired us up. So who knows?

The best advice I can give is patience - no two people are so compatible that they'll never fight. If it really isn't working, the housing department can usually move you, but it takes time. And finally, don't leave your Doritos out - they'll just be eaten by a roommate who was out late and missed dinner at the cafeteria.

--Sexile is nightmare

If you want her to stop living in sin at your expense, SIN, you need to take advantage of the year's worth of trust, rapport and honesty that you have with her to get her to cut it out. I understand it could be difficult to broach the subject, but let her know exactly what you told me - you took advantage of the study time last semester, but need more access to the room this semester.

Encourage her to go to his room or place more often, find the local Makeout Mountain, or shill in for some hotel money now and again (it doesn't have to be a snazzy four-star number - find a place in the area that rents by the hour - my smallish college has three of them within a short drive, not that I've ever stayed at any of them...).

Remember - it could be worse - they could be fooling around in the room while you're in there - that happened to a friend of mine and it scarred her for life. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

 E-mail this page
 Printer-friendly page