A Word of Advice... on roommates

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, November 22, 2004

I've read your advice column in the past, and always found it incredibly insightful, as well as reasonable, in dealing with the problems you are approached with.

I guess I'm saying long time reader, first time writer, but you get the idea.

Anyway, my problem is this: this year's my sophomore year at college. I was in a bit of a bind last year; I didn't want to go into a new dorm without at least one person I knew already there, so I met this guy and, as he was interested in the same dorm, we joined forces.

I came to realize: JOHN DOESN'T SHOWER. There is an obvious odor in our room that I have tried to get out many a time, and the fact that he is also a bit of a recluse makes communicating to him even harder. My parents and my friends complain that I should do something about it, but I don't think I can.

If he had any confidence in himself, I might be able to tell him that it would help his image to shower more often. But his confidence is shot, he has never had a girlfriend, hardly talks to anybody except about his favorite music, and doesn't get out of the room on weekends.

It's getting cold, and he hates leaving the window open. That, a fan, and my trusty bottle of Febreze have been my only defense against his miasma of smell. I need to figure out how to deal with this.

Honestly, I think he's a good kid. I don't want to be his damn mother, reminding him to take a shower every day, and I don't want to be the asshole roommate who berates him for his odiferous stench.

Is there any way I can work this situation so, if he continues to not shower, I can at least enjoy the benefits of a good-smelling room? Or should I put on my bad cop hat and tell him straight off he reeks, and hope for the best?

--Crossing My Fingers, Holding My Nose

Evil Josh is the first one to chime in on this: tell him you notice some sort of weird smell in the room, and then start looking around like you're looking for an old piece of pizza under the bed or something. Maybe he'll get the hint. Make sure you do it when you first walk in, and do it repeatedly until he a) showers, or b) at least finds a better way to hide the smell. (Glade Plug-ins, maybe?)

Aside from that, you really only have two choices: tell him that you've noticed and call him on it, or say nothing and deal with it. If you feel uncomfortable doing it on your own, consider an intervention-style setup, especially if his other friends have noticed it too.

The biggest difficulty here is one that's out of your hands, and that's his confidence. You're on the mark when you note his confidence being shot having a correlation with his not taking care of himself. Unfortunately, it's hard to instill confidence in someone else, but it might be something you and his other friends can attempt to do - help build up a foundation onto which he can support himself, and he might take steps into improving himself.

If you do go with the intervention concept, make sure there's a lot of positive support there, and make sure it's not a hostile confrontation, but a bunch of friends looking out for someone they care about. It's always a difficult thing if you're talking alcohol or drugs; I can't imagine how well or poorly someone would take it in something outside that realm. But at least in that case, you're not going through it alone.

--Battle of lifts

While it may not be worth it to dump her as far as the hassle is concerned, it's worth it to avoid another year of being in an incompatible situation. If you have other friends you can live with next year, simply tell her you want to change it up next year; a friend of yours would like you to join her and you just can't say no.

The biggest thread I've seen over the years is that rarely (I always leave room for exceptions) do roommates get along well in college after two years together, unless at least some part of the dynamic changes. When things remain consistent, the little problems tend to amplify themselves, and it becomes increasingly difficult to get along. It's sort of like a long-term relationship without all the emotional and physical stuff - the honeymoon phase is over and all the little annoying things start to get on your nerves.

Changing it up by bringing other people into the mix could solve the problem, because while your personalities may clash, now there's power in numbers. If the majority prefers things a certain way, you can sort of move the apartment as a whole into a system that your roommate would follow. If she's the stubborn type (and I'm guessing you'd probably know by now), this wouldn't work, so it shouldn't be considered as an option.

But in no way should you simply use her feelings as a reason to go another year in a situation that you're already not thrilled with. It only gets worse with time as the resentment grows.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

AWOA FEEDBACK: This is less of a question as it is more of a rebuttal....hopefully you will reach self realisation. The only reason you graded your "quiz" this way...is because you can't get laid and you're pissed. I know this because 1) the picture of your stupid head ...and 2) you make quizzes in your spare time. I am slightly amused...at you.

Hello,

Thank you for your input relating to the slutcom survey. Rest assured we have read your comments, and may we just say...

Only people who feel the need to bitch (probably because of the lousy score they got on the quiz) are truly the ones who can't get laid. Why are you *truly* upset? What would actually make you write in to someone you've never met over an online quiz? Did it hit too close to home?

And of course, it's easy to point out that it must be equally tough to get laid when you spend your evenings taking online quizzes, and then actually waste your time *writing* to the creators. The only realization we can come to is you need a hobby.

Thanks again,

The INPursuit Team

PS: Get yourself a spell checker.

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