A Word of Advice... on sex

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, June 2, 2005

A friend of mine and I started being together non-stop in our senior year of high school. I began to have romantic feelings for him. At the same time I was dealing with my bisexuality. I told him of my feelings before we went to college together, and he said that he wasn't gay/bi so nothing could happen between us.

We then had a sexual encounter where I gave him oral. From then on we considered ourselves a couple, and he tried to deal with his sexuality. However, he always prefers to get off on lesbian porn, and we've always struggled with his unwillingness to do certain sexual things to me. He says he isn't attracted to me, but when we do get it on, he says it can be hot--so he enjoys it.

I absolutely love him and I know he cares deeply for me too. He says he wishes this didn't have to happen (because we both want to be together), but that he doesn't know if things will ever change between us. I feel like the one thing I want in life, to be with him, is gone forever.

--Is there a chance?

This situation sucks. Unlike your boyfriend, if his unwillingness to return the favor is true.

Anyhoo. While you say in your letter you're bisexual, you're mentally omitting the fact that, at best, he is too; at worst, he's not, but gave things a shot with you anyway, whether you're potentially the first guy he found attractive or was just experimenting.

He's throwing up excuses left and right, and he's been consistently hesitant since this whole thing started. He went along with it for awhile because of… well, whatever reason you had. This whole thing started just after high school - a guy, who's horny and has someone who's really into him, may have decided "hey, what the hell, let's try this stuff out." For whatever reason it didn't work.

Your letter states you think both of you want to be together. If that were really the case, the attraction thing would not be an issue. People sometimes find others not their type, or ugly, or just plain, and then after awhile find themselves finding that person attractive anyway. If it was going to work out, it would've by now. I think the attraction issue is just an easy copout for some other underlying reason, and frankly, it's probably less painful than the alternatives to think about.

It's time to let this one go. There'll be others, but the longer you keep forcing this issue, the longer you keep yourself from looking around and seeing what else is available.

--Diseased relationship

The new mark of great sex - VD.

I guess the big question about whether or not to ditch him would be determining if he might have developed this while you were in the relationship, or if it was before. Many men don't experience any symptoms, so you may have just received a raw deal on this one - hey, it happens.

He obviously feels bad, and he joined you in getting treatment - he did the right thing. If everything else is OK, this isn't a reason to break up, but that hasn't stopped people from breaking up over things far more trivial. Do what you must, but I'd say give him a chance here.

--Screwed one way, not the other

He's getting quality time with you. He's doing what he has to do - take care of mom, run his business. He's not doing you, because he's spending all his energy on that. He's still with you, a very good sign, but he's taking care of business right now.

I'm sure when things settle down you'll be sexed again, and your screwed up priorities will be taken care of. Because after all, sex isn't the *only* reason you're in this relationship, right?

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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