A Word of Advice... on sex

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, June 25, 2007

I have been in a relationship for 18 months. My lover got very sick after three months. The sex ended, and I still love him. However, after we hadn’t had sex for a year, I started hooking up with others, and have been for the last nine months. After about three months I wanted to change.

We have had sex twice in the last year. His health is returning, but our sexual desire for each other is no longer there. We go through our days, kiss goodbye, call each other at work, decide on dinner, pay bills, entertain ourselves with friends and family, see movies, and take walks in the park.

Our relationship is so vague and it concerns me. I am afraid that it may be over. What should I do?

--Help?

Well. There’s a lot of stuff you do, but there’s one big thing that you don’t. At least, it’s big in your mind. …

For those with dirty minds, yeah, I saw the second meaning, and it’s a bonus for you. After all, it’s a sex column.

Anyhoo. I don’t see any vagueness at all in your relationship. You love him, so there’s an emotional connection. You do things together. Your concern is over sex – you led with that in your letter, cheated on him when you weren’t getting what you wanted, and ultimately that’s your concern.

The big wildcard is the illness. He got sick three months in, and is recovering 15 months after that. That’s one hell of an illness. You also say his health is returning, which is one way of saying he’s not fully back to normal yet. Considering what he just went through, I can’t blame him for having a low libido.

I think this is a bit overreactive. If you care about him, and you have hung on this long, let him recoup some more and see what happens. There’s something to be said for being there during a long-term situation like this, and you may find you two grow even closer when he’s fully recovered.

--Baby daddy’s checked out

Whether or not he wanted a relationship at the time (which is now a moot point), it’s unlikely anyone who’s looking for one to expect, or necessarily want, to have a child with someone that quickly. The consequence of this is now a little one on the way.

Obviously an abortion is a personal decision, and it’s your choice – an abortion is not a get out of pregnancy free card and it can cause complications for a woman later in life, so I’m glad you’re not taking the decision lightly. But sadly, how he reacts is a simple answer to two things: will he be there as a father (I have my doubts, considering how quickly he checked out), and whether he’ll make a good boyfriend/husband/domestic partner (um… right).

I so hate having to say this, but you’re going to have to approach this like you’re doing this solo, and if he’s around and does the right thing, consider it an added bonus. Set the bar low.

--Trial run

I’m practically giddy for the analogy that hit me while mulling this question.

If you’re a diehard Coke drinker, and you’re at a diner that serves Pepsi, you might take it because it’s there, but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re a Coke fan. Likewise, one round of experimentation, which you didn’t want before and didn’t like after, doesn’t make you bi. In fact, it just confirms for you that you’re straight and now you know for sure.

If you equally enjoy Coke and Pepsi, then you do swing both ways, and that’s different. Experimentation doesn’t change who you are; it’s only if you realize you actually liked it that might change the game. People have surprised and learn something new about themselves when they sip a bit of the Pepsi, but in your case you can be happy to know you’re as loyal a Coke fan as ever.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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