A Word of Advice... on virginity

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, July 7, 2003

I'm interested in a guy who I'm friends with. I know he's interested too - we've talked about it. But there's a problem. He's a virgin, and I'm not. I had sex once in a relationship that was ultimately rushed, and realized I wasn't ready. I haven't had sex since, but he's had problems accepting that, even going so far as to call me a slut because of that one time. He believes that waiting until marriage is extremely important. Is it worth waiting for him to come around?

--Do it once, shame on you...

If one is the loneliest number, you're going to struggle.

A big red flag has come up here. It's about the size of Texas and as bright as a Krispy Kreme sign. I have a REALLY big problem with him holding something like that against you. You did something (or in this case, someone), realized it was a mistake, LEARNED from that mistake, and he's holding it against you.

Last time I checked, if someone doesn't accept you for who you are, then they shouldn't be in your life. I'm assuming this conversation didn't turn up during the friendship discovery phase, because otherwise I could see this having been a problem for a much longer period of time.

You could wait around for him to get over this, but the question remains whether he truly will get over it or if he'll make a go of the relationship, try to ignore that one detail, and beat you to death with it each time you have an argument. If you think there's even a remote chance of that happening, look him straight in the eye, turn 180 degrees around, and move as quickly as you can away from him because otherwise you're just putting yourself in the crosshairs of a regular verbal assault on what you did one night some time ago.

I get the feeling from your letter it's been awhile too, and you seem OK with it now, so I don't think you should be punished for his near-sightedness. If he really believes that much in virginity, I don't think it'll be easy for him to just drop a belief that heavy.

As an aside, I don't think that waiting until marriage is necessarily a good thing too. Divorce rates continue to rise at a steady pace, and I wonder if it's because we rush into things without being sure we're compatible enough in each and every way. If the sex isn't good, a marriage can suffer. Ladies Home Journal has a "Can this marriage be saved?" column which details a lot of different peoples' struggles, and many of them relate to the sex life not being what they want. If you can't even establish what you want prior to marriage, it's just another uphill battle along with money, jobs and whether the dog should be allowed to sleep on the bed. It may work for some people, but I get the feeling that the reason people are having more sex now, aside from the pleasure, is because they actually can figure out what they want and find that, among other traits, in the person with which they'd like to share a huge portion of their life.

--Sexless and single

Question 1: Yes. Question 2: For some people, yes.

But that shouldn't matter. Comparing yourself to other people is as important as using a 10-10 number to save 3.8 cents. You're a virgin, for whatever the reason - you want to wait, the situation hasn't been right for it, you just haven't met someone who deserves that kind of commitment from you. Whatever it is, that's fine, and I even edited out your rationalizations from the question because it's not important.

As for question two, it can be a big deal for some people, but again, it's not important. What IS important is meeting someone to whom it's not important. That is VERY important. And now, I'll cross of the word important from my spelling list, having used it in more sentences than was believed possible.

You'll eventually meet someone where sex seems like it is something that feels right. If you do, that person won't care if you're a virgin or not. The person might care if you've slept with half of Seattle, but that isn't your problem, so I think the person would be more likely to be relieved that you are a virgin than be offended.

The key is to not worry about it. Sure, it gets more nervewracking by the year as the person your age continues to, on average, have an increasing level of sexual experience. But it's not quantity, but quality. If you wait, and you meet someone and it is really great when it finally happens, it's been worth the wait. Don't force it, don't convince a friend to help you get it over with, and just avoid the overall societal pressure.

One more thing: try not to over-romanticize it either, because you'll be disappointed. Anticipate, but don't build it up. No one does ANYTHING perfect the first time, but it doesn't have to suck either. Realistic expectations are... well... important.

--Timing is everything

The best timing is somewhere between the first date out and the first horizontal mombo in. Springing it on someone when you're undressing puts undue pressue on him, while telling him early on might be too much information at that stage of the game, when undressing for the big day is still four bases away.

I'm sure you've had heart-to-heart talks about all sorts of things. I'm sure sexual experience may come up once in awhile. If it hasn't, it may, but if it doesn't, you'll have to suck it up and lay your cards out on the table. Do it at a time when it makes sense. If you're on a roller coaster, that's probably not the right time. Clack-clack-clack-clack... "and by the way, I'm a VIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNN!" Serious times when you're talking about different parts of your lives, what's important, what's not, etc. will be a good time.

Since you've been in a relationship for over a year, it's possible that a sex conversation will come up. This isn't one of those rapid sprint-for-home-plate kind of relationships, so you may be able to ease into it gently (clear your dirty minds, people). If not, broach the subject when you're comfortable and when it seems right, but don't wait too long. You may be surprised at how much of a non-issue your little secret may be. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

 E-mail this page
 Printer-friendly page