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A Word of Advice... on pornography
Recently I was on my boyfriend's computer when I came across something quite strange to me. He had tons of porn links. Everywhere I turned there was another porn link. I didn't tell him that I saw them, but it makes me feel so odd around him now. I never knew he was like that at all. I am finding myself freaked out by my porn freak boyfriend... what should I do? --Porno isn't cool, kid Autofill is an interesting feature on Internet Explorer, isn't it? You go to check your mail and start typing... www.hot... and www.hotnakedgirls.com pops up. If you were using the computer with his permission, and something to the tune of what I just described occurred, then you have grounds to ask what the deal is with the porn. But if you were snooping, we have a double problem. When it comes to masturbation, guys sometimes need a little video daily double, if you catch my drift. Or they might have magazines. Or pictures of Britney Spears. Whatever the case may be, you have to figure out what your stance is on the topic. Some people just don't believe in porn, so it's a deal breaker. Others can tolerate it as long as the significant other is willing to be open about it. Even more don't mind, as long as it doesn't hurt the relationship. Knowing where you stand will go a long way in determining your choice of action. Take your pick, PICK. But if you found this while snooping, you should probably take a piece of advice yourself: it's not right to snoop. Snooping=lack of trust, and lack of trust=shaky relationship. If you were looking places you shouldn't have, you've violated trust in a big way, as well as invaded someone's privacy. You're not the only one though - read on: When my girlfriend and I were first dating she sent me a picture of her with another girl that looked rather suggestive. I asked her if they'd had sex and she said no. I am now living with my girlfriend and the picture came up and I'd asked her again and she said that she hadn't. She admits that she's had sex with girls in the past. It's nothing new that she would be with a girl, but... Recently I was looking for a wrench in one of her drawers and I came across a floppy disk that contained pictures of her with this girl as well as movies of her using a dildo on her as well as the girl performing oral sex on her. It was the same girl that I'd previously asked if she'd "had sex" with. I first asked her, thinking that maybe my memory was incorrect, showing her the same picture that she had sent me, if she'd had sex with her. It wouldn't have bothered me if she had. She said "no." So I pulled up the picture of the girl performing oral sex on her and she became defensive, saying that she had forgotten about it and that it wasn't really sex. The movies showed my girlfriend using a dildo on her as well...there was heavy "documentation" of the event. I was hurt by the fact that she would lie to me and now I wonder why, as well as wondering what else she may have lied about. Am I being too hard on her? --She lied about sex partners Oh, so much ground to cover and so little space... You snooped on her. You took a floppy disk out of a drawer and looked at it. What a huge violation of privacy. Yes, she lied, but that doesn't give you the right to go through someone's personal things. Her definition of sex notwithstanding, you've committed a gross act proving your lack of trust. That creates two problems in this relationship, both based on trust. First, can you continue in this relationship when you can't trust her, considering you had to snoop on her? And second, since you know the truth and she veiled it with a thin excuse (I didn't remember, but it's not sex), do you think you can live with this, knowing there might be more? It's time to bail. You both screwed up, although you screwed up more than her. Past relationships really shouldn't have any sort of importance except when an STD is involved. She's with you, she wants to be with you - isn't that enough? Yes, you're being too hard on her, but you're not being hard enough on yourself. I was single and young, never had a girlfriend, so, you know, as a guy, I have "that kind" of need. So, I watch porn. Well, anyway, I fell in love with this girl. And she likes me, too. But we never talk about sex. Anyway, one day, she came to visit me, and I was showing her some programs I run in my computer, and I accidentally click on the porn picture! Although I close the window immediately, i think she did see the pic. At that time, she didn't say anything, but I think she knew what it was. What should I do now? I feel really bad now. I don't want the girl to think i am that kind of guy. (After she left, I actually punched myself and deleted all the porn stuff in my computer. I feel really bad.) I don't want to lose the girl. I know that I've made this huge mistake, and nothing I can do to turn back time. Please help me! I am going crazy every time I see that girl now. It reminds me of the nasty stuff in my computer, although we still talk to each other, this bad memory will always in my mind. --Guilty of having porn It sounds like you're really sorry, and you are assumedly a virgin based on your description, and you used porn to take the edge off. She sees it, and the friendship changes. Bummer. You can't change her attitude about porn, so you have to consider what you'll do in the future. Not everyone has the same opinion on porn, so if you feel you need it, get a little smarter and place it somewhere where you can't accidentally click on it. A folder that doesn't have a desktop icon, a subscription to a streaming site, whatever. Or, do what you've done - clear off the porn. But you've only created more suspicion by not talking to her. Your guilt complex is getting the better of you, and it only creates more for her to be suspicious about. Yes, you're embarrassed, but you're not totally sure she saw it. But now she might think you're hiding something. The quick way to resolve it and talk to her. You can move past this easily if you get up on your feet right now. Good luck, and thanks for asking. Got a question? Just ask. You could see your question published in a future column with an answer from Josh!
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