A Word of Advice... on sex

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, September 29, 2003

I've been best friends with a guy for four years. We've always been close and our relationship has always been platonic.

Well, some months ago, we got really drunk, and we have gotten drunk *many* times before together. But this time, we were pretty drunk and dancing at his place. I was I'd say a fair bit more drunk than him. We started kissing and stuff and he suggested that we head to the bedroom. I was pretty drunk so I agreed.

Then he started taking his clothes off and wanted me to take mine off. I agreed. Then he got on top of me and (censored) but I started crying because it's not what I wanted to do and it was coming through my state of drunkeness. So he stopped, and I said I didn't want to do it, and he said he wanted to keep doing it and got back on top of me (censored).

Well I hated that whole thing. I didn't want to do it at all and since then things haven't been the same. I've only seen him once since then, and I can't help but think about it everytime I talk to him. I feel awkward now around him. But I still care for him a lot. In fact I love him as a friend. What should I do about this? We talked about it once since then and he basically said what's done is done. I know that's true but it doesn't change the feelings I have. I'm afraid things will never be the same.

Should I see him and talk to him more? Should I talk to him again about it? Should I forget about it? Should I talk to someone else about it? What should I do?

--I said no

Drunk or sober, male or female, if you did not consent to a sexual act, it's rape, plain and simple.

He's a friend, and you were both drunk, but why would a friend take advantage of you like that? There are more and more legal cases that have been coming out that say, simply put: if at any time a person says no, and that no is not honored, it's rape.

No, you should not see him and talk to him more. You should not forget about it without doing something. You most DEFINITELY should talk to someone else about it. This can do the kind of harm that can change who you are later on, how you react, how you get along with other men, etc. Getting some help and working through this is an important step - you were violated, and you have a right to feel uncomfortable about it. You also have the right to take action against him legally if you feel he mistreated you in any way, as your letter seems to scream loud and clear.

One final point: whether or not you love him as a friend, you probably shouldn't hang around with him anymore, and ESPECIALLY not drink with him anymore. He took advantage of you in a situation where you weren't able to think clearly. You should not give him an opportunity to repeat what he did. Please, please get help, and stay safe.

--End the game early

For those who are wondering why abstinence sex ed might not be the right approach, meet Exhibit A.

There's as good a chance of her getting pregnant as you hitting a red light on the way to a supermarket.

Let's aim for vague, yet informative health-class-type language: sperm is present from the moment you begin. It's a small amount, but it's there. As a result, it is indeed possible to get pregnant that way. In fact, it's one of the easiest birth control methods to fail. So don't put your faith in it. Also, if you're a catholic, remember: birth control of any sort is bad. Very bad.

One side note: while I appreciate the letter writer's generousity of describing what "pulling out" means, I decided to not insult my readers and also appease the censors by not running the description. Those who may be in the dark, however, may E-mail me and I'll let the letter writer describe it in his own words. It's worth an E-mail, really.

--Smack in the cheek

A guy wants this when he didn't get disciplined early in life. Or maybe he did so much that it just became a normal thing in his house.

It's a kink, plain and simple. Some people get turned on by outfits, props, that kind of thing; others get turned on by a bit of (in safe company) physical pain.

There are two ways to handle this: one is to indulge it. It doesn't have to be all the time, but understand that if you deny it he'll find someone who won't - kinks can be an important part of someone's sex life, and if it's ignored it can be enough of a sticking point to sever a relationship. It sucks, but it's true. Is there something you've always wanted to try? If not, compromise. If there isn't, limit the amount of activity is bum gets - say, 25% or 20% of the time (don't chart it on a calendar or anything though).

The second is to find another boyfriend. If you're sexually incompatible, there's no reason to think that he might "grow out of it in time." He told you what he's into, and it's up to you to decide whether you're into it as well. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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