A Word of Advice... on homosexuality

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, July 2, 2007

I had little or no interest in guys until about tenth grade where I had my first gay experience. Before this, I had crushes on girls and was wholly attracted to them.

After my gay experience I knew I still liked girls but society told me that I must be gay because I had sex with a guy...so I bought it. The problem lately is that I do not have interest in guys anymore in terms of relationship or sex. As for girls I do.

What does this mean and is it a good idea to pursue girls? And if I do, should they know about my gay past? I speak with utter truth and am not just in denial about being gay for I had accepted it. Just for a while now my affections have begun to shift. Help?

--Confused Young Man

As I’ve said in this column before, I do not buy into the whole logic that you’re either gay or straight. Our society likes to be able to paint labels on everything, and I just don’t think it reflects reality.

I look at sexuality as more of a spectrum. Yes, there are people who are all gay or all straight, but there’s also many, many people who fall somewhere in between, those shades of gray. I’d say you’re in one of those places.

You met this great guy in high school and went for it. No harm done. But as time went on, that turned out to be the exception, not the rule.

Should you pursue girls? Yes! That’s what you know you’ll be happy with right now… why wouldn’t you pursue that? Labeling has unfortunately made you go off on a tangent where you dated people you probably weren’t into, and that’s a shame.

You can be honest with girls about this too… tell them that you met a great guy, experimented, realized it wasn’t really for you, and you’re really more into girls. The good girls, the ones that are worth going after, will understand and not really care.

Now, realize that another guy may come along and give you that same feeling you had in 10th grade. That’s not a problem either; it comes with the territory of falling into one of those shades of gray. But right now it sounds like that what you’re into is girls, and you should definitely go where your heart is leading you.

There is this older man that I have been tight friends with for about a year now. I instantly figured that he had a romantic interest in me. I welcomed this because the more I got to know him, the more my affection grew.
What baffles me is that this man will say very romantic things to me (including sexual innuendos) and be very physically affectionate.
However, he has told me that he has had lots of sex with men... but has never directly said he is gay to my face. Yet, he still continues to be very affectionate and drop his subtle, romantic hints. What should I do?

--Truly confused

There are two possibilities here. He could be a “shades of gray” guy, or he could very well be gay and just a big ol’ flirt.

Here are things to try. One is what I call a “test invite”… invite him to something that could or should be easily understood as a date. If he’s gay, he’ll probably figure this out quickly enough and note that as such to you. If he’s interested, he might go for it, and then you’ve managed to get the ball rolling.

The other option is to simply talk it out with him. Be ready for an answer that he is gay and you’ve been handed the role of his fag hag. But really, you can’t know unless you attempt something.

I’m a girl, straight, and in love with a gay guy. He goes to my school and I've admired him from afar.
I've liked him for awhile and still haven’t even talked to him. He knows I like him and is very afraid of me.
It’s gotten to a point where I need to talk to him in person (not just through e-mail). I know that I'll never have a chance with him, but I want to be his friend. I set a really bad first impression and I want to try and change it. But how can I do that if he hates me and doesn’t want to talk to me.

--Gay crush… sorta

If you’re trying to be friends with him because of your crush, don’t do it. It’s obvious he’s already uncomfortable with you. First impressions have shot a lot of things down, such as his interest in even being friends right now.

You can’t force his hand. If he’s skeezed out, and you keep trying, it’s not going to help. Just chill. If he decides a friendship with you is in the cards, he’ll initiate it, and that’s the only way a friendship will happen.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

Got a question? Just ask. You could see your question published in a future column with an answer from Josh!

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