A Word of Advice... on homosexuality

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, April 14, 2005

I was originally plotting a mix of original and rerun content here, simply to have a column on the subject for those thumbing through the archives. But my readers never fail to disappoint, and a few questions came in just as I was plotting this column out. So here goes!

--Sexual question

For some help on the topic, I called in an expert. Ashley is a friend of the column who has some experience in this arena. Here's what she had to say:

"For most girls, the high school and college years are full of experimentation. It's not hard to deny that the female body is beautiful. Breasts and great butts are an anomaly that humans have pondered for - well, since we could think. Women as creatures are gorgeous, and it is no surprise that in a time in your life you would start to see them as more than just friends."

So are you gay? "I strongly caution you about using the word 'Lesbian' or even 'Bisexual' unless you are certain about where you stand on these issues," Ashley said. "Gay women do not want to date men - in fact most can hardly even fathom kissing one, and don't think about what it would be like to date them.

"Girls these days throw around the word "bisexual" all too often: 'Oh my god! I TOTALLY think I'm Bi because I kissed Kristen at the beach last week and I didn't hate it!' They use it as a lure for boys: 'wanna see us make-out!?'

As far as acting on it, Ashley said, "If you want to date a woman who feels the same way about you as you do her, go for it! Many girls find solace in a relationship with someone who is on the same emotional plane as them and find comfort in having a 'best friend' and a 'lover,' but be wary of coming out to your parents or friends at first, because this could just be an experimental phase in your life. Some things are best kept private until you've completely sorted them out." That might help you avoid the oober-dike problem.

If you are gay, don't hide it. "If you find that you are truly gay and this is the life you choose to live, coming out is your only option if you want to live a happy life," Ashley noted. "Perhaps enlisting the support of your amazing friends here on campus or a guidance counselor will help you how in deciding the best way to 'drop the bomb.'"

Thanks to Ashley for her help on this matter. As for the question of whether you are gay, simply experiment. It's easier to figure it out when you find out what really floats your boat. But if after some experimentation you find guys and girls appealing, bisexual you are. If you find yourself mostly or even totally set on one or the other, that's what you are.

It's rare to find a 100 percent straight or gay person (at least in private); these things regularly come in shades of gray.

--horny and confused

Let's start this one out with a statement that many of us, looking back, can agree on: most 16 year olds have screwed up love lives. Setting that expectation, it becomes easy to answer your questions.

First of all, love lives are never predictable, and never follow the same trajectory. But the common thread is for many, love lives generally have good and bad times. Some people fill it with meaningless flings; others sit on the sidelines. And I'm betting a good number of guys use the good ol' jerkin' as a fallback, too.

If you're not having much luck in that department, don't fret. Your track record now has no bearing on your record in the future. The lanky kid that no one gave much thought to in high school can become the one everyone wants a couple of years later. The one thing about attraction, dating, love, etc. is that it's highly unpredictable.

As for your potentially liking guys, that's another common thread for some high school students: not everyone knows their sexual orientation when they come out of the womb. Some more or less do; I had a friend who knew by middle school. But others will figure it out with some experimentation. Most people evolve and really truly learn who they are through high school, college and even in their forays into the real world. You'll likely have a period where you learn what you're into, and then it's easy to make those decisions about who to pursue and who to leave on the sidelines.

I wouldn't worry about it too much, though. I know of *many* people who hadn't kissed a girl or guy until late in high school or even college, but then ended up having as normal a love life as they'd hope for. Don't worry about falling behind; a good rule of thumb is that while many think they're not in line with their peers, there's quite a few who are just where you are, and are patiently biding their time until the right thing comes along.

--Ask a stupid question...

I hate to hijack a perfectly good column with the following, but I think we're due, and it does, if peripherally, fit the column's topic.

Many of those around me who know I do this column have asked me if I know when I receive fake questions, and if so, would I actually answer them in the column. The answer to both is yes.

As far as spotting fake questions, the one above is most definitely a fake. So many reasons point this out to me, from the fact that the person didn't provide an E-mail address to reply to (if you really wanted an answer, wouldn't you include one?) to the fact that if the person actually cared even a bit about who I was, a quick perusal of the FAQ would note clearly that I am, in fact, taken.

But this brings up the second part: why answer fake questions? Because when it comes right down to it, an advice column is as much entertainment for the people reading it as it is help for those who are asking. In fact, because of the way advice columns are structured, entertainment is usually the predominant reason. Many won't write for help, but they will read it.

An easy example comes to mind: over a year ago now, I did a column where someone asked if she was a slut. I responded with the slutcom scale, which was then turned into a little Quizilla applet which has been taken over a quarter of a million times. Many thousands of people have read the column it originated from. But it was the answer to one person's question.

Yes, some others might get a little something out of it, but the vast majority just find it interesting or funny, and the most help was given to that one letter writer. Some people might find parallels, but the key to advice is that one detail can change the game, so even using the advice I gave one person as what you should do in your own situation is never a given; that's why sometimes letters will seem similar to others I've ran - it's that one different detail, that I catch (hopefully), that will make me revisit the topic.

As such, when a bizarre or obviously fake question comes in, but it still fits in with the column, it's fair game. After all, it's as much fun for me to post and answer a bizarre question as it is for me to give someone a little help in the right direction. For you, my reader, I'm sure most of you enjoy it either way. And hey, it might just actually answer a question someone's thinking, but never bothered to ask.

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