A Word of Advice... on coming out

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, July 14, 2003

I was a late bloomer sexually, and now as a rising sophomore in college I've come to realize that I'm a lesbian. I haven't come out of the closet yet, as I'm still getting comfortable with my sexuality. However, recently a good guy friend of mine admitted to me that he has had a crush on me for a long while, and I don't know what to do.

--Just a friend

You haven't come out of the closet yet, but you have a guy who wants to date you. 21st century dilemmas aren't any more fun than 20th century ones.

If he's a good friend, maybe it's time to start opening the closet door a little bit and tell him that you're a lesbian. Coming to grips with this fully by offering your true self, especially to a good friend, will help you progress in your becoming "comfortable with your sexuality."

Quite frankly, as a friend, if I was interested in someone, and they told me that they weren't interested because they simply weren't into guys, that would be a lot easier to take than the more vague "I'm just not really into you. Sorry."

In fact, that happened to me, although it was middle school, so take it for what it was worth. I moved to a new school in sixth grade, met this girl who I became friends with and ended up developing a huge crush over her.

Around the time I was building up the nerve to ask her out, she came out to me, which even today is somewhat unusual at such an early age. She and I remained friends through high school, and have talked a few times in college (but, as with many people, high school friends sometimes drift). Still, it was easy to stay friends with her and know that it wasn't me or my personality or anything like that. And I got to be around when some of the more interesting stuff was happening in her life, and see it first hand, vs. from a distance.

Back to you though, if you're honest, that will be the most important thing here. Friendships built on honesty have a secure frame that can withstand so much more. Plus, you'll likely have an ally to be there for support if you hit some bumps in the road (parents balking, friends shunning, ten lords-a-leaping, etc). Since this guy is a good friend, by your own statement, you probably should come clean in this case to strengthen the friendship.

--Attracted and unsure

Let's weigh the options. You can not tell him, keep something personal from him and do your best to hide it. The feelings might pass, but if this isn't just your everyday flavor-of-the-moment kind of thing it could become more difficult if those feelings grow. Or, you tell him, being completely honest, and brace for impact if that's not his thing.

Option two is more attractive, and here's why: it's a win-win situation. If he is actually into it, then that's great and things work out for the best. If he's not into it, but he's still willing to be friends, you've taken a big step in being honest and true to who you are, and that will strengthen the friendship, just as I advised the first writer above.

But if he not only turns you down, but has some big chip on his shoulder about homosexuality that turns him into something only seen in 50s horror flicks, you've still made the right decision. Why? Anyone who can't accept you for who you are is not a good friend to have. You've got a piece of your life you've kept concealed from him, and so, tell him, and after the initial shock wears off, you'll see his true colors on the subject and can decide if he's worth having as a friend, or if something more might come out of it. Since you're unsure about his sexuality, you'd be testing the waters a little more than the average person would, but it's still for the best - a tsunami's not going to wash you away if this doesn't go the way optimism would direct you to want.

--Torn up over the 'rents

Money or honesty. That's really an American question the past couple of years, isn't it?

I could go either way on this one, but I'll make up my mind here. You already know your parents have a history of shunning people being true to themselves. Is it worth milking them for money first? Well, if you can deal with the guilt of that (your letter makes me think otherwise), then go for it. Once the last payment for college has successfully cleared and you're wearing the cap and gown, go up to them, and when they say they're proud of you, you can say you're also proud to be gay and make that occasion quite fun.

If you don't think you can wait that long, or the honesty thing is getting to you, I'd tell them now. Sure, debt can be paid off, but guilt can't.

And remember, people change over time. Some parents who initially were 100 percent annoyed when their kids came out had a change of heart when the genes started tugging at their heart and they realized it didn't change who the person was. Hopefully, your parents will hit that point too. But making them pay and then telling them could seem like a double jab from a certain light, despite the fact that it's the wrong light to be looking at it.

I'd say tell them now. You can get loans for college if it's really necessary, but hopefully they won't act as immature as they did when your brother came out to them. Honesty really is the best policy, and it will help you out too since you'll now be able to approach life without worrying that someone doesn't know or having to feel like you're holding something back from someone. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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