A Word of Advice... on bisexuality

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, May 21, 2007

OK I'm a guy who likes a girl. We've been going to the movies and dinner every week. I like her a lot and don't want to hurt her. I am bi-curious and a guy wanted to give me oral sex, so I let him and it was great. Then I go to her like it was no big deal. I feel no guilt but I like her, not the guy. We're not a couple.

I think she's waiting for me to ask her but every time I try to get serious I end up getting hurt. I haven't had sex with a guy; just fooled around a bit. I have no clue what I'm doing but I know I do like her but I enjoy playing with guys. Any advice would be great. Thanks!

--Confused?

*cough* Your second to last sentence, or at least part of it, is dead on: You have no clue what you’re doing.

You like this girl, yet you’re fooling around with guys. And this raises the biggest issue that your potential girl would have: you can’t make a decision.

In fact, you’re giving many bi guys a bad name here, because in my numerous discussions with people over the years (and there have been a few), the issue they have with some bisexuals is they can’t make a decision, and stick with it. It gives those of us who actually have the ability to stick with a person they’re interested in a bad rap.

I say this because this isn’t a decision about being with just guys or just girls. In fact, this isn’t an issue that lies with bisexuals alone. You’re leading a girl on that you’re into, while simultaneously fooling around with other people. If it were me, I’d be ticked too.

The decision you have to make is whether or not you’re into this girl enough to let go of the guys and (potentially) girls you’re fooling around with. If you can’t keep your libido under control, you might as well kiss her goodbye, because it’s obvious you’re not ready to settle down. But if you really have an interest in this girl, it’s time to set the guys aside and see how things work out with this girl.

If the reason why you’re afraid to give her a serious shot is because you’ve been hurt in the past, it’s time to get over it. History doesn’t always predict the future, and she’s not the same person as the others you were interested in previously.

But it *is* a big deal for you to fool around with a guy and then assume that it’s no big deal. She’s going to think it is. Just remember: she’s now fighting two uphill battles to continue considering giving you a shot: the fact that you’re fooling around with other people despite you two having a mutual interest in each other, and the fact that you’re fooling around with *guys*. No one said this was easy; you’ve got to make some decisions. Will it be with a guy right now, or a girl? And if it’s her, can you give up the outside hook-ups?

--To the point

Yes. How’s that for a quick answer?

Now, the details: if your potential interest is gay or bi, you’ve got a shot. But the question really is more general than that, as it takes any number of factors for two people to be interested in each other and give things a go. Falling in love reduces the count further.

Is there a chance? Of course. Being gay or straight has nothing to do with it, but the same rules apply: if you’re interested, give it a go; if they’re not interested, move on.

--How to catch a girl

If you have an interest in her, avoiding the games (a topic covered in this column last month) and approaching her directly will get the quickest answer. But if you’re unsure about her sexuality, a more delicate touch might not hurt, especially if you’d like to keep her as a friend.

Unfortunately, there’s no way to really know if someone’s straight, bi or gay – some people still aren’t open about this issue, so a direct conversation’s your best bet. But like with any interest that you’d ask out, keep the lines open so that if she’s not interested, you can still maintain a friendship with her. Many friendships have been destroyed after one turns the other down and then they can’t recover the friendship after the balance has shifted.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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