A Word of Advice... on being the third wheel

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, July 8, 2004

Today's discussions came from the message boards.

I think I'm falling in love with my best friend's boyfriend. I know that sounds terrible, but I can't help it. Thing is if the guy was not into it I would walk away, but he says he is. I think their relationship is pretty rocky anyway, even though they have been together for like 5 or 6 years. We flirt a lot (we work together) and I talk to him all the time and we have even talked about our feelings for each other. Problem is my heart and my head are battling each other. I know I shouldn't feel about him the way I do, but I can't help it. I know I will lose a friend if I pursue him and I am OK with that, but I still know it isn't right. I think of him all the time now and I am losing my mind. Any thoughts?

--Friendship vs. lover

You've got a scale or teeter totter in front of you. On one side is your friend, on one side is her boyfriend. Which side weighs more on you; that is, which side is more important? The friend, who you've had for awhile, or the potential relationship that may or may not work out? Weigh out the sides, and whichever one tips the scale, go for it.

90% of the time, the friend justifiably wins.

I have never been with anyone but my boyfriend of seven years. Except with our best friend a few times in threesomes. Now I have developed strong feelings for our mutual friend, and am not as attracted to my boyfriend.
Why did this happen, and what should I do? I told the friend about my feelings and he feels the same for me. I'm very confused!

--Feeling mixed

The danger of threesomes is exactly what you've encountered. However, this doesn't mean that something's wrong. In terms of a relationship of 7 years, feelings can grow or ebb. The question is whether things are still good in that relationship.

Once the honeymoon phase is over, things may not be as amorous as they once were, but if the relationship as a whole is good, why rock the boat for an unknown attraction?

You may be just experiencing that enjoyment of exploring the unknown, but that could fade and you could end up with nothing at the end of it. Tread carefully.

RESPONSE:

Thank you for your advice about my threesome dilemma. Only I dont think it is as easy as that. My boyfriend and I are high school sweethearts; we have lived together for 5 years. We have future plans together, our money is together, and I still love him. Is it possible to love more than one person? Is it possible that my love for my boyfriend has just changed? Is it possible that because I haven't been with anyone else that I am just wanting to try something new? Is that wrong of me? I know it isn't fair to be thinking of another when I am with my boyfriend but I am. Does this mean that I don't love him the same?

I think it's possible to love more than one person. It could be that since you've only been with your boyfriend of seven years that you're unsure about whether you've made a commitment without knowing if this is really it - it's happened to people before, including one person I know.

I still stand by my original statements though - if things are, overall, good with this boyfriend of seven years, you're putting a lot at risk for an unknown which may end up being better or worse.

It's definitely possible for people to be attracted to others and so forth, or even develop feelings. The question is always whether you act on those feelings. Unfortunately, the water here is muddied by the threesomes. But you can still figure out whether you would act on them now. If not acting on them is going to be more problematic than acting on them, maybe the relationship of 7 years isn't right. But acting on them just because of it being the unknown is still risky, and so I still warn you that treading carefully is the best course of action.

Of course, I've been wrong (I get an occasional E-mail to that effect). So, let me know how it works out.

My friend, who I'm pretty close with, has been interested in this guy for a while. She's always talking to me about him, and for the longest time I had no clue who he was, until the other day, when I met him for the first time.
Well, now I see why she was so interested. He's very sweet, and nice-looking, too. There was a bit of chemistry between us, but I decided not to try anything, since he was the object of my friend's affections, after all. Well, today I caught him looking at me a few times during school, and I'm starting to get interested in this guy.
I don't know what I should do. It's really something I would like to pursue further, but feel that I can't or shouldn't. I've heard that all's fair in love and war, but I just don't know.

--Interested in the same guy

Some people try to "smooth things out" by letting the friend know what's going on, and "get their approval," but even if the friend gives it, there's always some resentment that you got what they didn't, and it can get worse if the three of you are hanging out together and so on.

Hold back for now - if the guy makes more obvious advances explain the situation. A smart guy will help you smooth it out together, and then the friend will see the efforts you made to not hurt her feelings. From there, feel her out to see if it would be a major problem.

This is, of course, assuming there's an interest from him at all. I know of at least 10 people off the top of my head who've misread signals before, myself included.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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