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A Word of Advice... on being the third wheel
What would you do if your married friend liked a guy a real lot and you just liked this guy as a friend, but the guy asked you out? Would you go? I feel like I would be hurting my friend's feelings. She is not happily married, is only 20 years old and made a mistake and now she is in love with this guy and he asked me out! The trouble is he is really nice and I would like to see him. ANY SUGGESSTIONS? --Friendship or good guy yearnings? Let's recap: you like him as a friend, your married friend is in like with him, and you'd like to know if, like, you should take up what is likely a nice offer? I can see why things are fuzzy, FOGGY. You should not worry about the friend in this particular instance. If she's not happily married, she needs to resolve the current marital problems with either divorce or marriage counseling instead of cheating on her husband. That should be something she should know, and you shouldn't worry about. You would like to see this guy, but you like him as a friend. How long as he been a friend? If you've been friends a long time, and just feel nothing there, then taking this date would not be suggested. You can't make yourself fall in like with a guy because he's nice, let alone fall in love. If, however, you do have some sort of romantic interest in him, go for it. Your friend's hitched, and that's her problem to worry about. Ok, I have liked this girl for two years. She has a boyfriend. Last week, she got drunk and called me telling me how much she wants to hook up with me. She keeps on hinting at it even when she's been sober and blatantly said she was glad she told me. So what does this mean? Is she getting tired of the other guy or does she just want me physically? We're good friends. I just don't understand what she wants. --I know she wants something... "Last week, she got drunk and called me telling me how much she wants to hook up with me." Drunken words, sober thoughts. (I can't thank Liz enough for that mantra. And yes, I use names when I give people credit, especially when it's a common name and not something unusual like Tweoba. Yes, Tweoba.) She wants you physically, that's for sure. However, relationship wise, I'm not so sure. She's with her boyfriend still, right? When you're approached with something like this, you have to consider different elements. I don't think she's in it for the full-boat relationship. More than likely, her boyfriend doesn't give her what she wants, and she's looking for it elsewhere. But you've got a friendship on the line - is that worth it? Chances are no. All you'll do is muck up your friendship for a little somethin' somethin'. But hey - if you want to take that risk, I've got nothing personally invested in that friendship. I just have a personal investment in finding ways to use Liz's phrase and make sure the masses are using it to the point that it makes the next edition of Webster's. It's the least I can do - she's a good friend. And now that I've turned this column into the Liz Appreciation Society... I met a guy almost 2 years ago and we started a relationship together. He was on and off with another girl, but I thought they were just friends. A year ago everything blew up and she found out we were seeing each other. I got mad at him for not telling me about her and stopped speaking to him for about 3 months. About 2 weeks after the blow up, they made a seat of the pants decision to get married... they thought it was better than being alone. The marriage has been a mess and after 3 months of not talking to me, he came back. We just talked as friends for a few months, but then it went further and we started an affair last September. He's told me so many times that he made such a wrong decision to marry her. We have an amazing connection with each other and love each other very much. His wife found out we were talking and told him to stop, so I told her I wouldn't talk to him anymore. I couldn't stand it and within a week we were together again. He has been saying that he doesn't want the reason their marriage breaks up to be me and he knows that eventually the marriage will die. We just went away on a snowboarding weekend together this past week and had a spectacular time. We talked and decided that we needed to cool the physical part of our relationship for the time being while he figures everything out. It's been only 2 days and I'm going crazy! Just the thought of not being able to be with him makes my heart ache. I love him so much. I have thought about telling her what has been going on just to get her to leave, but I know that will hurt him as well and that will mess thing up for the two of us. What should I do???? --I'm the one, not her He doesn't want the marriage to break up because of you, but he's happy with you and not with her. What's keeping him in this thing? She sounds like she's, at minimum, someone who has issues, and more likely a control freak of the b-word level. The problem is he's not willing to leave the marriage yet, despite your connection. It sounds to me that there's more going on than a physical relationship with your connection, although it's been blocked a bit by a bit of an obstacle - the wife. I agree that, however hard it may be, you need to cool it while he figures out what to do. However, if he can't seem to break that tie, you have to figure out whether it's worth it being choice B, however quickly or thoughtlessly that decision was made. As long as he's married to her, you won't have him wholeheartedly, and that's not fair to you - I'd say get him out of your life and don't succumb to the nookie reflex. However, if he is willing to leave the marriage, you've got him, and hopefully things will work out for you both. Good luck, and thanks for asking. Got a question? Just ask. You could see your question published in a future column with an answer from Josh!
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