A Word of Advice... on being the third wheel

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, September 8, 2003

There is this guy I like at work. A few months ago we hooked up. After we hooked up we were supposed to see each other again. That never happened. Someone at work told me that he got back together w/ his ex-girlfriend.

The next day at work, we were sitting at the computer and he said he didn't realize how much he liked me. Then he came to my job and chilled w/ me. He told me that I didn't know how I made him feel when he's with me. He told me that I'm wonderful. He has said a lot of stuff like that to me.

Then we went to a club with our friends and on are way back he said that we should just be friends. He didn't want me to be the other woman and he realizes that there are feelings involved.

They have been broken up for like a month. When he's around me he touches me and gives me hugs. I would be the one giving hugs, but I backed off. Now he's the one wanting hugs. The way he touches me... he comes up behind me puts his arms around me sliding them down to my thighs... he grabs my butt... stuff like that. I know he told my friend that he didn't want to get into a serious relationship. When he's around me he treats me like a girlfriend, but we're just friends.

I want to be his girlfriend. I wondering if you could help me. I know one of my friends said to my other friend "I know he likes her for a fact" and he doesn't understand why he keeps talking to his ex. I was wondering to you think I have a chance to be his girlfriend?

--Is there a chance?

You definitely have a chance to be his girlfriend, but the question is whether this will be a good relationship or a bad one. Let's go over the pertinent points:

You've hooked up before - there's a sexual attraction.
He broke up with his girlfriend - assuming he's not with anyone else, he's unattached.
He's sending signs out like crazy - he's interested.

Only one problem I see here, and that's the not wanting a serious relationship at this time. If he's still trying to move beyond the ex, especially if he gave it more than one shot with her, getting involved with him now might not be a good idea. When people are carrying emotional baggage from a previous relationship, they can have a tendency to whip out that baggage instead. Instead of doing the proper thing by checking it in the overhead compartment, they throw it on your lap and make you deal with it too.

If you give him some time to get over her, while keeping your interest in him evident, when he's ready he'll make a move. He did once before, as your hook-up suggests. If, after a reasonable amount of time, he still doesn't make a move, you can take the first step - but considering it's only been a month, you might want to wait a little bit longer first.

If you want to test the waters a little bit more, be flirty when he gives you those hugs that run down to your thighs (if he's doing that at your workplace, be careful though!) and sneak in a subtle question about whether he's interested in more than a friendship. I don't know, something less obvious than "Take Me Now!" Maybe something along the lines of "You sure like getting to know my body!" and if he backs off, say "Actually, that's just fine with me!" to invite him for a little more than hugs and butt pinching. But you'll have to be more creative than I am if you want a relationship - a line like I just used as an example would probably encourage a sprint to the nearest bed, desk or broom closet during lunch breaks.

There's a girl I really care about. We've been friends for a couple years, but I only started liking her a few months ago. After she started saying a lot of nice things to me, and since I know that she knew I liked her, I asked her about it. She told me that she liked me, but she has a boyfriend.
We're very affectionate around each other, and she's even told me that she'd rather be with me than her boyfriend! BUT she won't break up with him. Apparently "she's in a comfortable relationship with someone she also likes" and she has friends through him.
What am I supposed to do, just wait around? I'm almost at the breaking point. We even talked about it being nice if we kissed just once, if the right opportunity came up. What am I supposed to do?

--Keep it simple, stupid

*thump* *thump* *thump* Oh sorry. It's just that your letter has sent me into a head-banging-monitor frenzy.

No, you're not supposed to just wait around. She's interested in you, but she's taken. Why would you want to wait for someone who, despite being interested in you, wanting you, liking you, is not willing to take a chance on you? You're apparently good, but not as good as the boyfriend (in her mind - let's be fair here), or she'd have left him in half a second.

And, KISS, do NOT kiss her, hook up with her, or do anything that will feel oh so right now but will make things oh so awkward the next morning. Here at AWOA we have a theory called the nookie complex, and you sound like you're teetering on it. Taking a chance on this girl is a big risk. It could make things awkward and then cause avoidance by one or both of you. The boyfriend could find out and you'd be on his enemies list, and it would screw up her friendships with his friends. It's just not worth making life miserable for both of you, no matter how hard the nookie reflex is tugging at you both, saying "But we like each other! He/she's hot, friendly, and is SO worth it!"

Find someone who's not attached to a boyfriend. It's very possible that you'll be attracted to someone else somewhere down the line. You care about her - in fact, you led with that in your letter - so do the right thing by respecting her decision in staying with her boyfriend and remain on the sidelines. If, at some point, she does break up with her boyfriend, and you happen to not be attached at that time, it's one thing, but waiting around (how long? Three months? A year? Until the boyfriend hits his 70s and dies of old age?) is not the best option. Meet some new girls; date around.

I'm 19 and I have been sleeping with a 26 year old engaged woman who I met a month ago. She came over from China on a marriage arrangement to a Chinese man in another state, but she lives far away from him because she is getting her graduate degree at my University. She has no feelings for him, but she claims she does for me. When she told me she was engaged (after I had kissed her a week before) I said it has to be "all or nothing", that I had strong feelings for her but if I was going to put my dedication into the relationship, then it would be unfair for me not to receive it.
However, she asked me for one last kiss, and that led to sex. I weakened and agreed to be her secret lover. Since then I have stayed over a total of four nights, and we have become quite close to each other. It is not sex that is binding us together, but a mutual understanding of each other. I understand her conflicts and torments, and she wishes to obtain the happiness and comfort with life that I display when I am around her.
She talks of leaving him for me, but I realize she will not. I am only 19, and I have no money. Her family in China would be very upset with her for breaking off the marriage arrangement, and I do not know how they would react to a 19 year old white kid who is getting a degree in philosophy of all things.
Should I stay in this relationship?

--Sense or sensibility?

Your dilemma is a difficult one, SOS, because it's not just a potential romance and a potential husband, but a culture! China's still a very strict country when it comes to culture, especially with Communist rule and all (everyone remembers what happened when students protested about 15 years ago - tanks were called in). I can understand how this can be difficult for you.

If you like her, stay with it. The old saying is definitely true in a way: it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. People have immigrated out of one country into another for a better life; she may find that once she's done with college she'd rather stay in the United States and build her own life. If she doesn't, you'll at least have had a memorable relationship with her. The ball's in her court, but if you abandon her, she will marry that other guy, for better or for worse. It's not to say that arranged marriages never work out, but she's had a taste of the freedom of being able to find someone that she has feelings for instead of who her parents choose for her to marry, and your being there for her might encourage her to choose for herself. It's not foolproof, but the best course of action, if you two really do have feelings for each other, is to just stay the course. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

Got a question? Just ask. You could see your question published in a future column with an answer from Josh!

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