A Word of Advice... on trust

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, May 17, 2004

I am 16 years old and I am dating a guy who is soon to be 22 and is in the Navy. I recently kissed another guy. I told him about it and he said that he is willing to forgive and forget, but I broke up with him.

He acted like he was OK with it, but then we went to a store to get him some stuff, he bought me a ruby/diamond gold promise ring AFTER I broke up with him! He said that with this ring he promises to always love me no matter what happens because I bring out the kid in him. I accepted this ring because I do care about him.

My boyfriend is stationed in Florida and I live in Georgia so its an LDR [long distance relationship], but I don't want to cheat on him after he gave me the ring. He said that next year he is going to Cancun Mexico and wants me to go with him. I don't know what to do.

He says that he wants to GET MARRIED soon and we've only known each other for about 2 weeks now! I do care about him, but I am not ready for that type of commitment. I'm barely ready for a PROMISE RING! Also he is leaving in August for 6 months and expects me to wait for him. I don't think I could wait that long on someone who will be out of the country and possibly cheat on me. What should I do?

--To be or not to be with him

For those of you playing the "I could be an advice columnist" home game, take out your pens and papers and jot down all the red flags you see in the above question. Then, keep reading, and see the ones I caught. Compare answers. Notify me if you have any ones I missed - I always like checking myself out too.

• The age difference thing first drew me to the question, as did the LDR thing. Neither are deal-breakers, but then again, there are definitely differences in people with an age difference this big, especially in the 18-23 range, and this falls as close enough there. The distance, again, able to be handled, but will be magnified *really* soon.
   
• Less than two weeks in, and you've kissed another guy. Not necessarily a deal-breaker either, but the early commitment isn't there, and most people starting out on relationships go in fully committed and breakdown (or, alternatively, maintain a solid relationship) later, not the other way around. The fade up to "wow" rarely works, although exceptions have proved me wrong in the past (including a relationship of my own).
   
• He's given you a promise ring two weeks in? And he did it to keep you, even though you've been dating for such a short amount of time? This is a little weird.
   
• He wants to take you to Cancun next year, despite the fact that you've only dated a few times. That's a little to far ahead planning-wise, isn't it?
   
• Marriage? He's talking marriage after two weeks? And your mom was there for part of this? What must she be thinking?
   

I'd scrutinize your guy carefully - he seems quite interested in getting you to like him, for whatever reason. The fact that he's 22 only further raises my eyebrow... if you're 17, I could almost see this happening, but such overzealous actions for a 22-year-old is quite rare because most of 'em have been through enough relationships to realize that putting so many eggs in one basket just two weeks in his a bit dangerous. My thinking, then, is that there's a goal behind this major push to keep you on, whether it be sex or whatnot. If you wish to continue seeing him, tread carefully, and considering how recently you guys started dating, if you're uncomfortable, politely back out (and return the ring - it's only fair).

--Regular hook-up is right or wrong?

My first instinct is to direct you to the slutcom scale, introduced here in February and more recently turned into one sweet-ass quizilla thing that over 50,000 people have taken. Now let me end my shameless plug and say why this probably isn't the best situation...

You're both using each other for sex, which is fine, but if you enter a new relationship, you have to do it while consciously deciding to cut things off with this other guy. Your consistent cheating isn't helping you secure a regular, long-term relationship here. Although you're only 15, and that might not be the priority, if you're meeting new guys you want to date they deserve your undivided attention, open relationships aside.

Furthermore, why would you attempt to date other people if you're happy with how this relationship's been going with your fellow sexer? If you're happy, there shouldn't be any problems. Your need to date others is just a sign that what you've got going on with this guy not only isn't perfect, but isn't sustainable over the long term.

And the one thing I always feel the need to point out. If he can do this with you, how can you be certain he doesn't have a similar deal going on with someone else? If you're not into monogamy, which you've proven you're not with your on-the-side dating, how can you be sure he's sticking with just you? That obviously opens you up to other risks (STDs and the like) and that might not be something you want to have to worry about this early in life. How well can you trust him? Factor that into your plans as well.

--His cheating heart

Trust is so important to a relationship that when it's been severed, this kind of thing can happen, even coming from the person who violated the trust at the get-go. He is afraid of a retaliation-cheat, if you will; that you will get really mad at him and, seeing as he did it to you, decide to return the favor. Most people would never in their right minds do this, but some would, and it's that possibility that is worrying him.

The only problem is he's lost his trust in you because of his own idiocy. Eventually he'll either a) get over it, or b) fall into a pit that'll break up the relationship, since he screwed up. It's unfortunate, but if the trust can't be recovered the relationship will be on an uneven keel, at best, and at worst will just completely crumble. You're doing the best you can, but the ball's unfortunately in his court on this one.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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