A Word of Advice... on trust

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, July 14, 2005

My girlfriend that I live with is flirtatious. I know it and accept it but I'm worried that a friend of hers is misinterpreting her. He is her friend's brother and visits often. He has had a crush on her for years but she says he's been told there's no way ever would they date.

Recently he came over while I was at work. My girlfriend tells me that she was in her room getting changed standing with her back to the door and he stood in the doorway watching her in her intimates. My girlfriend turned around, asked him how long he'd been standing there and he replied "long enough." The following evening he calls her on her cell phone to ask her what she's doing the next day knowing that I'm at work.

I told my girlfriend that I can't put up with that. She told me to ignore him but he's going to come over on Saturday when I'm at work. Any good advice as to how to resolve this situation would be greatly appreciated.

--'Fraid she's a flirt

To your girlfriend's credit, she's not biting. To her discredit, she's not stopping the friend from being a bit of a perv, is she?

That's where your opinion does begin to matter here. He's crossing some boundaries (grabbing her ass, for instance - had to cut that example for length) that's not cool, and your girlfriend, while a flirt, should really know that there's a point where a line is crossed, and he's done it. Yet he's coming over again.

Talk to her about this again, but be more forceful in saying that you have a real problem with this. If she's willing to let a guy get this close to her without any hesitation, you may have a bigger issue here, and might need to start evaluating the relationship. Hopefully it doesn't come to that.

--Drained in style

The easy answer is to not love anyone and everyone, but that's really not a fair answer, as it's a really good trait.

In the long run, it's expected that friends will occasionally meddle, try to "fix" things and so on out of the goodness of their hearts. They care about you, and want the best for you. An example: your friends nag you to dump your boyfriend because they see jerk qualities that you can't because your love blinders are on.

But friends can cross the line, and if they do so repeatedly and in the wrong way it's time to say goodbye. Still, that shouldn't mean you shouldn't trust the friends you still have. Friends come and go; the nice thing is you can always make new ones. And that you should, Drained, as over time you'll develop some really close friendships that are compatible with you, while the bad ones will fall by the wayside. It's how the game is played; you just have to keep at it until you succeed.

--Doubting Thomas

Advice columnists never give advice that's wrong. The definition of advice (pick your dictionary; it doesn't matter) says that advice is an opinion. And my opinion is never wrong - it's just that: an opinion.

Each reader can take what they want from my advice. But I'm going to advise based on situations that I've seen in the past, make decisions on morality and other issues of right and wrong, and do my best to steer a reader in what I consider to be the right direction.

Should they take my advice? They should decide for themselves, obviously, but I've had enough people come back to tell me that my advice worked well when put into practice. Of course, that shouldn't stop any of you from telling me when you disagree, or if my advice didn't work out. Post it on the message board or send a comment through the Ask a Question page; I'll run it here, whether or not I agree, and may offer some comments. Reader participation is definitely encouraged, and I think it's something this column's been missing so far.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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