The Threat of Single Prospects

By Adam Kuhn
Posted Friday, June 8, 2007

This edition is dedicated to Koffee on Audubon, the most wonderful café in the world. Always encouraging inspiration and serving as an intellectual escape, this New Haven café has significantly facilitated the development of The Open Forum. In New York, you will be missed… even though you’re full of Yalees.

Last night, a friend of mine from long, long ago, in the wonderful world of Pittsburgh came up to New Haven to visit. We went out to Oracle with some other friends of mine and had a fabulous time. There I saw an ex of mine. A very good looking ex of mine. An ex of mine that I shared some very memorable nights with.

I'm not sure what caused it, but the time between now and the last time we spoke combined with my recent string of not-so-memorable nights sparked a very strong revival of feelings. Seeing him mingling and socializing with other singles unknown made those feelings even stronger.

There’s something interesting that happens when you see your single ex back on the market. No matter how short-lived the relationship, if there was once a certain bond, the feelings associated never truly disappear.

Another friend of mine is going through something similar. He and his friend have a casual sexual relationship. They never dated, but sometime in high school, their closeness developed into a ‘friends with benefits’ kind of deal. One of them, however, has the tendency to become a bit possessive when the other pursues an interest other than him.

When someone once close to us threatens us with loss, it becomes incredibly personal. It’s never more apparent than when our man is back on the scene. Who the hell does that guy think he is talking to my man? How dare you touch him like that! You’re not even doing it right!

When my friend asked me what to do in his situation, which was pursuing someone else and his friend crying about it, I simply told him to give his friend an ultimatum. He would be more than happy to go beyond fooling around and date his friend, but his friend never wanted that kind of relationship. I told him to make the proposition, but keep this new guy on the back burner.

Logically, that would be the solution to their dilemma. If they both claimed each other, there would be no more jealousy and no more threat of loss. Then I thought about my spot. Should I take my own advice and try to revive whatever I had with my good looking ex? Although sometimes things like that work, most often it’s just a bad idea. Plus, my friends had a possible shot at something worthwhile. I just wanted to get laid.

Looking at the bigger picture, I realized something true with all of us. We weren’t massive sluts by keeping things casual when it comes to sex. We weren’t gun-shy when it came to relationships. We were just being smart. Easy casual sex satisfies our immediately needs without requiring us to jump into the alligator pit that is a full-blown relationship. And if we have a close friend to rely on for just that purpose, than it’s all the better.

Another friend of mine said something thought provoking the other day about this. “I want more than just sex, but hook-ups are a good placeholder.” That sentiment perfectly encompassed my thought process.

Yes, if we’ve all gotten burned, had our hearts smashed, our emotions pulverized… and survived, why were so afraid of commitment? Because it wasn’t worth the trouble? Because we knew we could do less for better?

Another interesting thing about the threat of single prospects, you can always turn the tables on your single ex and fight fire with fire. Even though he can hit on the guy with the great stomach and perfect hair right in front of you, the power you wield doesn’t reveal itself until Mr. Six-pack takes an interest in you, and your ex later asks you, with painfully satisfying insecurity, “Do you think he’s hotter than me?”

 E-mail this page
 Printer-friendly page