Just Not That Into You

By Adam Kuhn
Posted Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Recently I turned 20, closing the chapter of my childhood, and all that other happy horse shit. As luck would have it, the man I've had feelings for for the past two years shares my birthday. He is exactly one year older than me, and this is his third honorable mention.

Today I learned that if I was ever going to be with the man, I would have to learn to be comfortable not being a major priority in his life. Although his career aspirations and hard-working nature were very admirable, the man never failed to make me feel ignored, unwelcome, and inconvenient.

Early on, I felt as though he was doing it on purpose; sending me subtle messages to let me know he wasn't interested. Then, sometimes as much as months later, he would reappear and say something like "hey, where have you been?" or "are you not talking to me?" Eventually I found out that he wasn't doing it on purpose. He was buried in work. In fact, every time we managed to get in touch, he was in the middle of something, and I would be put on hold for minutes at a time while he went and took care of things. The only time that was convenient for him to talk was usually at 4:30 in the morning… after a party… that I wasn't told about.

I tried coming up with a set of rules to follow whenever we spoke. Don't be too open, don't make yourself too available, don't be afraid to ignore him. Of course, these rules are more fit for someone trying to play hard to get, but for someone who was authentically too busy to bother with you, what then was the game plan?

It was one of those situations you always find yourself in with men who aren't good for you. Going in, getting hurt, and rushing in for more. In the IM conversation we're having right now, I'm being ignored for a sixth time. This one has lasted ten minutes. He has a magical way of sensing my feelings via AIM. Just when I reach the point of frustrated and impatient enough to sign off, he comes back. Like just now. Oh… there he goes again.

What's really the killer is when they're so innocent about it. When I would say something like, "you're obviously very busy. I'll let you work. Bye" (meaning "I'm a little pissed about the fact that I'm clearly being ignored") he says things like "Alrighty! I'll ttyl!" And then I find myself back at square one. Is he telling me he's not interested? Is he telling me to fuck off? If he is, why does he always get in touch with me after there's a period of silence between us? And pretend it's my fault we haven't hung out lately? Am I a booty call? I haven't seen him in person in two months. Perhaps I should be more aware of the fact that when he gets in touch with me, it's usually right before the sun comes up, and he's usually a little shit-housed.

So what is it with these guys? Why does their unavailability draw us in more? If all it does is piss us off, why are we so willing to do it again? And again? And again? What is their problem? Or maybe, what is our problem?

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