10 Gay Men to Avoid

By Adam Kuhn
Posted Tuesday, August 7, 2007

In the wonderful world of dating, there is that certain breed of people that you would almost assume was put there just to cause you trouble. In truth, they are. Through our collective knowledge and past experiences, some friends and I have joined together to develop a list of those in the gay single world to keep at a distance... a big distance.

1. Rich Gay Man

These are the kind of gay men that somehow, at the age of 20 become incredibly successful at businesses and trades no one's ever heard of. Somehow they can afford $3,000 a month in rent before dropping a quarter mil on a trendy new condo in an up and coming neighborhood. You'll usually see these types flocking the clubs on a weekly or even nightly basis as their budgets casually allow them to bypass the higher-end cover. Stay away from these guys. Unless you can buy your way out a bad spot too, you'll either be intimidated by their credentials, or bored to tears by their lack of personality.

2. Spoiled Gay Man

These gay men follow strict guidelines in life, and you're most likely to cross their paths in college. If ever stuck dating one, the rides in his Jeep Wrangler or nights at his parent's summer home will seem nice at first, but beware: You will never live up to his standards, he will always be better than you. And his friends, out of a common jealousy they share for each other, will ridicule your every move as they jokingly do to him all the time. Don't invest too much into these guys. They're the kings of promising beginnings.

3. Get-It-On Gay Man

These are the kind of guys you meet in random places; on the job, for example. Either a quick hook-up or an early romp in the bedroom is in line. When it happens, and it will, soon, these guys will have almost a system to sex. They've done this so many times, they have this old sport down to a science. By the time you light the candle on the nightstand, he's already naked. His kisses are used, his lines are played, and he's probably already tired of you. You know there are a lot of miles on this guy. After all, if you met him the way you did, who's to say you're the first?

4. Know-It-All Gay Man

These men know everything there is to know about gay culture, gay style, and the exact, precise location of Madonna, right now. If your Express Polo doesn't go with your Gap sweater, you'll be hearing from them. If your boot cut jeans don't compliment your Aeropostale flip-flops, you'll be getting a letter. You're not allowed to "just walk out of the house today," or "wear your 'I don't care' clothes." This gay man will even go so far as to comment your behavior in a past sex story, if you can bring yourself to stay in conversation with this man for that long. Sometimes this man will even fight you on car maintenance. Stay away from this guy. You'll kill him by week's end.

5. Pretty, Pretty Princess Gay Man

Having no concrete grasp on what sexual orientation it requires to be attracted to this form of human being, I suggest you follow FDNY policy and keep back 200 feet. They are distinctly male, and prefer to be that way, but most corners of their lives are distinctly female. These men will do things like grow facial hair and work out sometimes, but have their nails professionally done and wear tight, I mean tight, women's jeans, often belling out to a fabulous Manolo Blahnik Boeto. It's wondered if these creatures menstruate as well, but their relationships often don't last beyond a week. Don't even bother with these "guys". With these criteria, you might as well date a girl.

6. Virgin Gay Man

In high school, these types of guys were cute. Often, our first love fell into this category. However, in our 20s, one must wonder if there are reasons, important reasons, for this individual's lack of exposure. In the straight world, a girl's first time is the hottest thing imaginable to a guy. In the gay world, although some lust after much younger partners, it's quite frankly just creepy. Maybe he's unattractive, maybe he's still in the closet, but if you find yourself dating the Virgin Gay Man, get out now. There's meaning behind him not getting laid all this time, and you don't deserve to be the one to discover it.

7. Bisexual Gay Man

Another high school favorite, these "gay men" made our teen years hell. "Does he like me?" "Does he not like me?" "Does he want to go out with me?" "He's seeing a girl, but he said he was breaking up soon." Oh how naïve we were. After high school, there are two things to watch out for: People who still claim to be bisexual men, and ourselves pursuing people who still claim to be bisexual men. Unfortunately, the bisexual man is a myth, or at least, you'll be safe to assume so. These guys jerk us around, pull our strings, and always, always break our hearts. And we're not allowed to be upset with them because "that's who I am," "I can't help what I feel." "How would you like it if I got mad about how you felt?" Stay far, far away. In fact, send them to the island of other bisexual men so they can ponder their sexual desires and experiment together, forever.

8. Religious Gay Man

These walking contradictions must be among the worst types of the gay man. Usually raised in religious families, these guys can't get over the fact that even though Jesus may still love them, the rest of their faith wants them dead and rotting in Hell. When they do finally come out, at the age of 45, their lives are already full of too many secrets, lies, and deceit to feel the true liberation that comes with coming out. After kneeling for one reason all throughout their 20s, they kneel for a different reason shortly thereafter: Either begging for forgiveness from the lord, or for protection from their shotgun-toting, Baptist Christian fathers. Pretend these men don't exist. Under whatever farfetched alignment of the stars your relationship goes somewhere, you'll have to keep it a secret, and you'll never meet the family, or want to.

9. Psychotic Gay Man

At some point, whether right off the bat or a few weeks in, you will live in fear in this gay man. During the month this relationship will ultimately last, you'll feel uncomfortable being anywhere with this man unless it's in public. At least then there are witnesses. This gay man either carries weapons, steals other peoples' possessions, or acts like a bitter ex to you for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Maybe you'll get lucky and score all of the above. After uncovering his obnoxious attitude, you might last a bit longer because of his pretty face, great body, and amazing skill in the sack, but this nonsense has got to end, and soon. Beware the Psychotic Gay Man… and maybe his friends too.

10. Internet Gay Man

Although I'm an advocate of online socializing, common sense is a pre-requisite when dealing with these men. According to Tom of MySpace, there are 195,356,637 other online whores this slime ball could be sweet-talking. And chances are he probably is. Midway through this seemingly smooth-sailing relationship, you may encounter an offer by this man to invite an unknown outsider into a threesome; someone he met through the same avenue he met you. Later on you'll find out your internet gay man had his threesome… without you. Perhaps he'll have the courtesy to break up with you via AIM beforehand, maybe not. DENY this friend request.

If he's not your type, don't bother. A relationship will last longer if comprised of two like-minded people rather than two sexually compatible people. Date wisely. You're our last hope.

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